I am *that* friend.

You all know, that friend, the one that is always hurt.  That one person in your life where nothing seems to go right and they are always experiencing some sort of trouble.  That annoying, complaining about everything going wrong in their life, person.

I'm afraid to admit, that's me. 

I don't even have to TRY to be that person.  I want  to be the person that can be looked at as doing all she can to accomplish the goals she sets for herself.  I want  to be the person that inspires others to try to push themselves beyond what they think they can do.  I try  to be that person.

I've tried for so long, now, to be the positive - to see the positive.

Let's backtrack for a few... at the end of last year I bought a small trampoline.  It was a cheapie that I found on Amazon.  It was good enough, however, I knew there were better options out there.  I was beginning to get very serious when it came to meeting my goals.  I had lost my walking mojo and I thought if I found a fun way to get some "steps" I would find the motivation I had lost.  I chose this one to replace the cheapie.  So, not totally an inexpensive decision.  I was psyched!

Shortly after hitting my first 7 mile day (which included using the trampoline for 3 days)  I took one step in my office and partially tore my plantar fascia. I was grounded.. no more bouncing.  One day after wearing that lace up brace, intended to heal that injury, I woke up and was dealing with horrific sciatica.  I spent the last few months healing.  Steroids, anti-inflammatory medications, ice, heat, multiple x-rays, an MRI, and soon to be physical therapy.  Now, I'm in no way complaining.  I stopped that weeks ago.  I'm also not blaming any of this on my trampoline.  Everything I've read has shown how beneficial rebounding is for the body. I'm merely giving a bit of history, to lead up to what occurred last night.

I've been  killing  it!  Each day, I've increased my steps and mileage.  I've gone to bed each night, sore, but mentally happier than the day before.  Happy with how far I've come - how hard I've pushed myself!

Last night -

I put in my time on the, above mentioned, trampoline.

I laid down on my bed and iced my back.  

I was going to put in another mile (22 mins) on the "tramp". Finish out my night with more steps the the night before.

I stood up, walked around my beloved tramp...only to crack my poor pinky toe on her metal leg.

I let out the normal, "SON OF A....", and sat down on my bed.  I laughed.  I couldn't believe that thing got me again.  I iced my toe.  Overnight, moving certain ways, the pain woke me.  This morning, it's bruised and swollen.  (I won't subject you to a foot pic..)  It doesn't matter if it's broken..it's just a lousy baby toe.  But, I can't bend it, it hurts to simply SLEEP... how in the hell am I going to keep up with my steps.  I can only hope and pray that it's just deeply bruised and will heal quickly.

FRUSTRATION.

The positive:  it wasn't my big toe.

Doing the best I can, and that is enough.

In the beginning of 2014 I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year.  Well, that obviously isn't going to happen.  I can't even blame my bum knee - it's just not something I made a priority throughout the year.  One of the big goals I listed for myself was to not be so hard on myself.  This extends beyond my physical appearance (overweight).  I think I've come a long way with my personal self esteem and body image.  Other areas of my life, however, I found myself continuing to struggle.  For example - my walking.

A daily normal goal for walking would be about 10,000 steps a day.  Once I was easily able to hit that, I knew I was capable of more. More and more.  I was consistently walking over 20K steps a day and working hard to hit that 10 mile mark.  Regardless of my shin pain - I pushed myself.  I pushed myself so hard and I was so proud of myself as I laid my head to pillow each night.  As the weather began to change and the temps to drop, I was even more excited!  This is my time of the year!   I was out there jogging in the rain, and loving every second of it.  

Then, ... I adopted the pup.  He has since, slowed me down.  I know he needs to get out and work off the energy but he just couldn't keep up with, what had become, my norm.  So, I slowed down for him.  I was averaging 5 miles a day or so, but still hitting the normal goal of 10K a day.  My morale was beginning to tumble.  I wanted  to do more.  I knew  I could do more.  I knew I needed  to do more...

But I was continuing do feel more and more down.

Then,... I fell and sprained my knee..

Wow.  Each day that has passed, I thought... "Okay, today I am gong to try to at least make one  trip around the loop.  I can do it!!  I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to do it!!"  But, truthfully, I was afraid.  Afraid of hurting myself more.  Afraid of being out there and not being able to get back up the hill to the Jeep.  Friends and family were supportive, telling me it was okay to take the break.  Telling me I shouldn't go out there and risk further injury.  However, in my head, I was failing myself...big time.

I've sat on the couch with my leg propped up.  I've limped from room to room.  I struggled on crutches for almost 2 weeks.  Some days, I'd head out with the family - shopping, dinner, laughs.  Those were great times.. however, stuck on the couch not being able to GET up and do what I want, when I want - was getting to me.  In my head, I was thinking "If I don't get back out there and walk, I will eventually sink back into the hole and NOT want to get up and walk." 

I began physical therapy yesterday and I was encouraged to try to walk as normally as possible (the actual walking motion - no limping).  Yesterday, I walked more than any day since the injury.  Today, I hope to beat that - if only by 1 step.  It was something I needed.  I needed a professional to tell me that it's okay to be sore, to walk through soreness, to push myself again.  Of course, I can't go crazy and attempt the 10 miles any time soon.  And, truth be told, it will probably be another 2 weeks before I can attempt my normal 3 miles...but, it will happen.  

I refuse to sit around while my most favorite time of the year quickly passes by.  I will continue to try and forgive my clumsy body and reassure myself that it's okay if I don't always hit the 10 mile mark.  Those, almost, 3900 steps yesterday were hard fought..painful steps.  It was WORK to get those steps.  

I am pretty proud of myself.

life.

i find myself living life in a fog right now.  i know i am not alone in feeling that way.  unfortunately, many people live life feeling this way.  we put on a smile.  we laugh at jokes. we come up with new excuses to not go out with friends.  we try so hard to just get out of bed each morning and socialize with the normal world around us.  we go to work each day.  we function just enough  to make it back home and retire to the couch and close the curtains around us and just breathe.  sometimes i even catch myself thinking... ok, breathe.  and, those are the "normal" times.. other times i'm trying to stop an impending panic attack.  i have to not remind myself to breathe..but have to convince myself to slow down.

it's not a great existence. it just is.

we just are.

we exist.

i am stuck.  i am not sure why i'm even airing my dirty laundry here - other than to hopefully look back on this entry, months from now, and know that i've survived another period of extreme funk in my life.  i know there is "the other side" of these feelings.  i know, one day i'll wake up and something will click and i will choose to be happy again.

like it's a choice.

i suppose i'm choosing the funk now...

i hope to be around the blogging world soon.   

i miss this place.

Psssst...

... I'm still here. 

It was brought to my attention that it's been a long while since I last updated this place. 

They were right.

My Grannie passed away 12.14.13.  The world lost an amazing woman.  Our lives had been on hold for many months and we're all still feeling a bit stuck.  Eventually... life will return to "normal", whatever that is. 

My family has never known "normal".

Christmas has come and gone.  We all survived.

I promise to be more active around here. 

I miss blogging.

I wish everyone a happy new year.

See ya in 2014.   ♥

continuing to move forward.

there comes a point in your life when the choice to sit and be quiet is kicked to the curb by standing up and shouting.   this entry is going to be completely random because it's coming from a place of both total frustration, anger and disgust.  

while i have been described as stubborn and very head strong, i have never been known to be a closed minded person.  i'm the type of person that sees a lot of "grey" in between the black & white world that some people wander through.  i try very hard to see the "other side" of a lot of issues and beliefs.  in fact, i've often said "you can believe whatever you want but as soon as those beliefs are pushed on me or any other person - we have a problem."

i think there is a fine line between being passionate and stepping on the toes of other people by preaching your beliefs and trying to make laws that affect everyone based on those religious beliefs.  i've never wanted this  blog to be political or dramatic. 

i come here to vent, brag and just waste time. 

i come here to post pictures and be light hearted. 

i come here because this is MY little corner of the internet world and it's a place that i feel safe to post my thoughts, frustrations, sadness, joy, love, and personal growth. 

i think, somewhere along in the evolution of the digital age, people have confused what is exactly included in their 1st amendment rights when it comes to private/personal pages that they may visit online.  

i want to let those  people in on a little secret - 

1.  you DON'T have the right to post your negativity and hate on the pages/profiles/blogs/facebook accounts of other people. 

2.  you DO have the right to respectfully discuss varying opinions and beliefs on the pages/profiles/blogs/facebook postings of other people.

3.  you DO have the right to post your hate filled crap on your OWN pages - and you have the equal rights to respectful dialogue. 

4.  you DO have the right and it is encouraged to simply scroll passed differing viewpoints if it's not possible for you to remain civil within that discussion.

5.  you DON'T have the right to dictate how you think my page (blog or facebook) should look or what beliefs i display on my pages.

over the past few years i've held my tongue, out of respect i have had for a friendship and the fact that everyone is entitled to their belief (even if *I* feel it's a COMPLETE douchebag stance on certain issues).  

however, life is too short to sit by and act and behave like what has gone down is okay.

it's not.

i am moving on with my life and away from negativity.  i know that it's important to surround myself with differing opinions and personalities.  i mean, if everyone were like me, aside from the world being filled with awesome!  the world would also be filled with stubborn, hard headed, people that would probably argue all the time.  that's not what anyone wants.

as hard as it is to walk away from a 29 year old friendship it has to be done.  it's not an easy pill to swallow but it's one that has finally slid down my throat and i have accepted that it's over. 

i had to give myself permission to end a toxic situation for my betterment.  i had to convince myself that it's not always about the loyalty of a friendship - it's about surrounding myself with uplifting and positive people.

if you've stuck with this post to this point, i thank you. 

i hope for nothing but good for this person and their family but i'm moving forward without them.

this sucks!

our (meaning the demon's) laptop died over the weekend.  it's as if the technology fairies knew that i needed a real  excuse to give for not blogging regularly.  i'd like to kick those fairies in the teeth!  i hate not having a computer.  but, i hate spending money, right now, more than i dislike not having a computer.  was that enough commas in that sentence?

i have a few ways that i am able to blog - the nexus, smartphones, and the iPod - but i haven't mastered (figured out!) how to upload photos to the blog.  that means...until i admit to myself that we need  a computer my blogs (both blogs) are going to suffer!  ugggh.  

speaking of my project 365 blog - i've been AWFUL at keeping up with posting my pictures.

very irritating.

on top of all of that, today is tax day and i want to rip my hair out and consume massive amounts of alcohol.  

i hope you're able to enjoy your Monday!

life.

sometimes you say things things that you have every intention of doing and then you realize you haven't accomplished what you once thought you would and have to come out to everyone and say.. Ooops!

i know i said i was back to blogging and obviously that hasn't happened.  instead, i have caught up on all of my DVR'd most favorite trashy reality TV shows.  instead, i decided napping was more important even though getting up and going for a photo walk is something that i know will make me happy.  instead, i've been doing entirely too much retail therapy.  instead, i'm finding myself spending more time online than i want - yet not blogging.   i haven't picked up my camera and when i randomly snap a picture with my phone i never think to upload it here. 

i'm having a really rough time dealing with the fact that easter is approaching.  easter, last year, was really the last day i had a coherent momma.  easter, last year, i convinced my momma she needed to go to the emergency room because it was obvious she was developing an UTI and needed some strong antibiotics.  i have so many regrets and what if's that surround easter of last year.  it's those memories and ideas that have been flooding my mind and i hate it.

i "got through" the first mother's day, birthdays, halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years.  i suppose this is the last of the "firsts" and it really may be the toughest day of the year for me.  we have yet to watch jesus christ superstar.  it was a tradition that she had - to watch it daily during lent and almost non stop on good friday.  she and the demon would watch it constantly.  he has started asking to watch it and just the thought makes me teary.

last night he came back inside after letting the dog out to do his business (ie. eat poop) and mentioned seeing a bright star.   "Guess who it was?"  he asked me.. i knew where this was going so i tried to make light of the situation.  "Mufasa!!??  Did you see The Lion King!!??"   "Pizzaaaa tiiiimeee??!"  

i could see he was getting a little irritated with me so i finally said... "granma?"  he said "yeah, i told her good night and i love her."  

i think easter is finally getting to him as well.

so, we'll watch jesus christ superstar this weekend and the inside of my cheek is sure to be bitten raw as i hold it together.  as much as the freakin' movie has annoyed me my whole life (seriously, by the age of 10 i knew every word to every song)  it's one tradtion that i will happily continue.  i think i'll do a trial run before sitting and watching it with the demon for the first time since last easter.  

probably, that's a good idea.

it's late.

it's about 2:00 am on saturday morning.  i ended up falling asleep earlier and just woke up in a panic thinking it was a work day.  don't you hate that?  then, just realized i hadn't blogged all week!  i'm also not doing as well with my project 365 as i wanted.  maybe i'll use this demon free weekend to get caught up on my blog.  maybe i'll just use it to catch up on my sleep.

it's been over 9 months since i lost momma.  recently, i've been having awful flashbacks to those 2 weeks - the time period from when i talked her into going to the ER and her passing.  i just can't shake the "should've, could've, would've" moments.  i can't grasp the "why's, and how's" over how everything went down.

how is it fair that, the person that was there for her more than anyone else never got one lucid moment with her over the last 2 weeks of her life.  not one chance to talk to her like we had talked to each other every single day of my life.. i know i wasn't the only one that dealt with the confused, angry, out of it mom - so did my brother.  but we both have very different memories from those 2 weeks.  i am blessed that i wasn't with her when the doctor's told her about the diagnosis and she had to be sedated.. i can't imagine that memory being thrown into my head along with everything else i have been dealing with...

i lay in bed almost every night and think... and cry.  i honestly think i'm getting sadder each day instead of happier.  the awful memories of the hospital and hospice flood my mind during the most odd times.  yesterday, as i was brushing my teeth, i was overcome with the sadness i felt of my first visit with her at hospice - the despair that was conveyed in her facial expressions.  then, later that afternoon, i check the mail and it's another freaking letter from them.  i need to call and get taken off their mailing list...  i'm sure hospice has done so much good for so many families, but, getting a reminder letter every so often is not what this family needs or wants.

there's no real reason for this post other than taking this time to get my thoughts out in writing. 

hopefully, this blog will get back to it's regular scheduled programming very soon.

you're so vain...

this morning i was running late.  what else is new, right?!  anywho.. i did not feel like completely drying my hair and/or using the flat iron. 

i am not known for being able to get up, ready, and out the door quickly.  i have to plan on, at least, a hour and half from waking up to walking out the door.  if i'm actually going somewhere that requires looking nice it's at least a 2 hour process. 

i.hate.it.

okay...to get back to the point of this post (which i had intended to be short and to the point) - i quickly dried it a little bit with a diffuser - how do you even use one of those things properly? - and the above photo was the result.  the only product i used was a bit of coconut milk oil that i thought  was supposed to tackle the frizz.  it doesn't.  as i was getting dressed i knocked the hair dryer onto the floor and pieces shot off all over the place.  i didn't examine it closely, but i think it may be busted for good.

so.. what exactly IS the point to this post?!  i think i'm DONE - yes, DONE - with giving a crap about how my hair looks.  frizzy, curly, wavy, straight, a combination of everything is exactly what my freakin hair is and that's just the facts.  i've always been known for my pretty hair.. "such pretty, thick hair!" is what i've been told my whole life.  i have cried on more than one occasion after a bad haircut.  WEEPED and gone into hiding to be truthful...

welp, i'm sick of wasting my life away trying to get that perfect hair "look".  

i'm tired of standing and sweating for 45 minutes behind a hot blow dryer.  

i'm tired of taking another 20-30 minutes of my life to fry my hair with a flat iron.

to go along with my whole 2013 new outlook on life i'm going to live simply when it comes to my weave.  although.. not so simply as to go grey... that's never gonna happen!  i got'sta dye my hair and keep a little of my vanity in tact.. but as far as further frying it - that part of this chic's life is over! 

this is going to be the year of the wash'n'go!

top ten v.22

i'm in a very random kind of mood, so that's what you're getting today!

01.  we got a new rug for the living room!  while i think it may be just a bit thinner than the previous rug it's so much softer!

02.  see that dog?  up there?  he STINKS.  imagine a combination of wet dog + poop + dog breath that's what you'd get.  he's currently at the groomers.  and, as luck would have it.. it's supposed to pour down raining tomorrow.  my luck!

03.  the weather around here also STINKS.  i'm so sick of the dramatic shift in temperatures.  it's WINTER.

04.  my nails are getting crazy long!

05.  i have fingers and toes crossed for a game night friday.  i really, REALLY want to have a game night.

06.  the demon is still having issues with mouth pain so last night i thought "hey! let's have a couple of our favorites for dinner."  mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese.  for anyone knew here, i'm lazy.  our mashed potatoes come from a box (or the occasionally delicious bob evans microwave type).  i had the water and butter ready i added the milk.. then i drained the macaroni.  the next step was to add the cheese to the macaroni and the potatoes to the milk/butter/water combo.  what do i do?  add the potatoes to the macaroni.  i'm pretty sure this was my reaction that immediately followed once realizing my mistake.

via

however, what resulted was amazing!  i figured.. eh - may as well mix everything in one pan.  and it was mashed potato macaroni chessey goodness!  the demon wasn't a fan and it was crazy filling, but, that just means i have lunch for the next couple days!

07.  rupaul's drag race began its new season last night.. love!!

08.  i love diet wild cherry pepsi.  

09.  it's the 29th and i have yet to do my photo an hour!  crap!!!  my weekdays are so NOT exciting.  looks like i'll have to get creative this month.

10.  everything about beyonce annoys me and i will be tuning into the kitty half time show over on animal planet while she performs on sunday.  yaaaay, go kitties!

i hope everyone is having a fantastic tuesday.  i'm excited to cuddle with a fresh smelling dog later.  well, his breath will still be pretty rank.  we're getting that taken care of next week!  

have you ever...

.. been in an awful mood?  of course you have.   when you're in your awful mood do you realize that it's actually 10+ day of an awful mood?   i'm there right now... and i've lost count of the days.  it's like i have constant PMS - minus the cramps, bloating, horrible boob pain.  just in a constant bad mood.  as people talk to me i look at their faces and think to myself "please hurry this conversation along to i can get back to being hateful and stop faking like i care!!"  unless i'm safely happily in my house (normally comfy under a blanket while wasting life away watching some trash TV) i am in this mood.

don't stop to chit chat with me while i'm working.

get out of my way while i'm grocery shopping.

i'm online to keep to myself.. don't bother me with your troubles!

quit texting me and don't even put the thought into your head to dial your phone to call me...ever!

okay, so i may be exaggerating a bit  but not by much.  

i have no real reason to tell anyone this other than perhaps throwing out this warning: if you see me or come across me online..  and i'm not my normal, happy, easy going, fun loving gal... this is why.  

i'm in a mood.  i'll let you know when i'm finished being difficult.

we've hit double digits, people!

i promised the return of cat chaos and i have no intention of disappointing anyone!  but first, let's take a peak around the house and let me show you where i've had to find homes for the previously removed ornaments...

 it's not the prettiest of decorations, but it keeps them away from the dumb cats.

now, let's move on..  i have severely underestimated spike and his determination to get as many ornaments off as possible.  over the last couple days this is what he's accomplished.

the 3 ornaments above are what were knocked down wednesday.   as i was taking these pictures i noticed just how cute the santa ornament below is and thought it would make a cute picture. 

because there had only been 3 ornaments removed on wednesday,  i had hoped that spike was finished.  i thought maybe he got the destructive bug out of his system.  until....thursday!

ignore the cat hair!

apparently they didn't think this was such a cute ornament and decided it was santa's turn to hit the floor.

the candy "kane" bear didn't make the cut, either.

and, as if knocking the decorations to the floor wasn't enough, spike insisted on putting his face as close to the lens as possible!  his tongue!!  ahhh, even i have to admit that is adorable.

the dog was feeling neglected so i included him in this one.  even though the cats are slowly destroying the tree, it still manages to look pretty all lit up.

after i caught up on all the kitty mischief my brother came over and we finished decorating the front of grannie's house.  she was smiling from ear to ear after i led her out with her eyes closed and surprised her with the final result.  

when we came back in and i sat down for my nightly wheel of fortune and jeopardy... this is what i found.

is this cat for real!?  i can't leave him alone for 20 minutes without him finding something to destroy.  he found another bristly ornament that was screaming "pull me!  play with me!  destroy me!!!"  instead of finding a new home for the dragonfly, i decided to put him back into the tree - deep into the tree.

finally, i was playing around with my camera and heard my brother guess "Cincinnati Bengals!".  i turned toward the television just in time to catch this...

yaaaaaaaaaaaay!  i hope that's a lucky sign that my boys are gonna win their 5th straight this sunday.

i hope everyone has a great weekend.  we're going to be busy!  shopping...games...christmas crafts and goodies.  oh.. and loads of classic christmas songs sung by some dreamy crooners.

ornaments lost:  14

project: cats destroy christmas

(the following pictures were taken 8 hours after i fixed the tree yesterday morning.)

after my post from yesterday i wasn't sure i'd have much to report for today.  i mean, i did  flip out on them and threw the gate up for superior tree protection!

what's that?  you mean they actually could get to the ornaments!?  

remember how i mentioned there were six ornaments that they knocked down the night before?  well, these two were included in those original 6.  they obviously do not want these two on the tree.

this little candle (excuse the horrible cell phone pictures) is held onto the tree by a twist tie.  this is the same ornament that i mention was hanging on by a thread... i fixed this yesterday morning, also.

here's an example of what they do to the bows.  i'm not sure if they grab a hold of them and just tug?!  but, they want them off!!

at first, i noticed they seem to prefer the plush ornaments.  this tree/bear didn't stand a chance.  not only do they go after the ornaments, they destroy my perfectly placed tree skirt every day...multiple times a day.

as you can see, with this bristly bear, they don't discriminate between plush and pokey.  this bear was also part of the original 6 that i rehung yesterday morning.  what's with these scrooge cats that they don't like certain ornaments!?  i really tried to hang those 6 in unreachable spots.  not only did they knock this one down, they obviously rolled around on it - what's with the freakin' hair?!

this (very blurry) ornament has a picture on the opposite side.  i made myself a promise i'd photograph each fallen ornament where they were found.  this was further under the tree in a much darker spot.  i didn't realize, until i loaded this picture onto the computer that there was another ornament next to it.. in the upper left hand corner - a set of ice skates!

finally, i turned to let truck out of his cage and outside to do his business and i noticed this...

i'm sad to report the bristly ladybug didn't make the cut!  THIS was another of the original six.   those jerks sure know which ornaments they don't want on the tree this year.

so.. after one day of -  project: cats destroy christmas - this is the casualty count..

ornaments lost:  7

(in the future, i can guarantee there will be not be pretty pictures, but there will be loads of fun!)

i don't know whether to laugh, cry, or get drunk.

over the weekend (yes, i used the entire weekend) we put up our christmas tree.  last year my momma was next door so we celebrated christmas there.  since, we weren't going to be doing to much at my house we thought a small tree and very minimal decorating would be good enough.  this year, we're moving christmas back to my house and that means a big tree!  (again, i seriously dislike decorating for christmas.)

this morning 6...yes SIX ornaments were on the floor, a bow had been pulled loose, another ornament was hanging by a thread,  and the tree skirt had been bunched up and thrown into such a ball that it looked like the kitties (read:  SPIKE) threw a crazy christmas cat rave overnight.  we did what any normal cat owner does.. grumbled to ourselves, yelled at the cats (obviously hours after they did the misdeed and had no clue why we were yelling), warned them there will be serious consequences if they touch the tree again!! and continued to gripe the whole time we rehung the ornaments.  we then put a little gate/fence in front of the tree in hopes to protect (at least) the front ornaments and left for school/work.  

as we drove,  it hit me... let's NOT put each ornament back in it's place.  if these dang cats want to be the ones in charge of decorating the tree then they can.  i mean, in all reality, they WILL get their way.  why?  because cats are jerks!  therefore, the plan has been changed.  instead of rehanging each fallen ornament we're going to place them around the house as regular decorations. each day i plan to take pictures of the ornaments they (again, read: SPIKE) decides no longer belong on the tree and post 'em here or instagram (probably both!).

maybe doing this it will bring a little joy and laughter into an otherwise VERY frustrating situation for me and my OCD ways..  either that - or i will have to spend the holiday season spiking any beverage i'm handed in order to deal with these freakin' cats and their bad behavior.

 

this morning i was also feeling a bit of deja vu.  i wanted to travel back in time on this blog and see where we were last year at this time...December 3, 2011.  some things never change.

WTF(riday) - I'd love to punch you in the face.

this is exactly what i would say to who ever is in charge over at google+, picasa, and blogger.  whose ever idea it was to merge the photo albums together.  who ever thought of the brilliant idea that if a person deletes their picasa album  FROM.  THEIR.  PHONE.  also intends to completely delete the album from the entire internet world.. including their blog.  

WHO would ever imagine?!?!

why would it ever enter someone's mind that deleting a photo album from their phone's gallery would result in any picture ever being removed from their blog?!?!?!?!?!  in what world does that seem reasonable?

the other day i was flipping through my photo albums on my phone.  i was deleting any picture that i didn't need with the hope of freeing up some space on my phone.   i noticed one of the albums looked to be pictures from my blog with the little picasa logo on the cover of the album.  i thought to myself "hey, why do you need your blog pictures on your phone?  you don't...so just delete them."  

...and i did.

the result?  every picture that i posted on my blog from 2/10/2012 until yesterday is now gone. every picture has been replaced with a huge black box with an exclamation point.

cue the sickening feeling in my stomach and eyes welling up with tears.

i have tried to recover some pictures with different software and in some cases i've been successful.  i am sure i have some pictures backed up on various flash drives and others will be on my facebook. eventually i will try to weed through every.single.blog.post from 2/10 until 6/29 and try to fill in the blanks and upload appropriate pictures.  however, i know i don't have every single picture that i once had.  many times i will upload, edit and post a picture for the sole purpose of using it on my blog.  in those cases i immediately delete the picture from my computer because i really have no reason to back up random pictures (ie. dirty water pool pictures) - and since i'm still sharing a laptop with the demon i hate to weigh down his computer with hundreds of miscellaneous pictures.

if you are reading this and you have any idea if there is a way to recover this album (picasa) please let me know.  after searching around online i have found nothing...nothing other than people apologizing to the poor sap that just deleted their album and at the same time ruined all the hard work they put into their blog. not only did i find numerous complaints posted, online, regarding this exact situation but these complaints were over a year old!  WTF!?!  if people were having this problem so long ago, WHY isn't there anything in place, now, to warn people of the consequences of deleting pictures from their phone? 

i'm beyond upset.  i can't even comprehend a word to express what i feel right now.

i have to decide whether to delete the affected posts all together or just randomly go through and edit each blog so that they make sense without the pictures.  which ever i choose to do i ask that you bear with me.. this won't be a quick process.

uh oh.

very early on into the new year i made a list of goals that i wanted to accomplish before the end of 2012. 

as you can see, i have not accomplished much in the first 6 months of the year.  really!  it's almost the end of june.  i have been spending less time online in the evenings as well as really put forth an effort to blog a bit more.  so, i guess that's another 2 on the list that i may be able to cross off soon.

how can it be.. 6 months later and i still haven't had my oil changed.  not only that, but i'm sitting on an important safety recall for my jeep!  i'm so lazy.  i'm pretty sure i'm going to break down on the side of the highway and be working my fingers to the bone trying to dial up someone to come save me.

despite not accomplishing much on the list (and completely bombing any weight loss attempts) - i did manage to do something *major* on monday.  i. broke. my. tooth!  if you know nothing at all about me but my fear of anything dental related, you'd know almost everything there is to know about me.  the anxiety began immediately after realizing it had broken.  but, that realization came after  the fact that the filling and piece of tooth that were missing...must have made their way down my throat!  i've not seen them since.  pretty gross.

i was afraid i had broken too much tooth away eliminating any chance i had of a crown.  in my anxious mind that left me with 2 options - removing the tooth (it's my upper last tooth on the right,... ultimately cause all of my upper teeth to shift/tilt over the next few years ruining all my ortho work) or a dental implant (not a chance).  if you can't already tell, i am a worrier.  i started to hyperfocus on everything that could go wrong.  

thankfully as of yesterday, my tooth is - very temporarily - fixed.  i do have enough natural tooth left and will need to call an endodontist and schedule myself for a root canal and crown.  freak.OUT.   even though we now have a plan in place i will worry.  since i have no dental insurance i plan on going with a stainless steel crown... at least until i can afford a porcelain crown.  crazy!  i never pictured myself with a "silver tooth".  the tooth in question is far enough back that it won't be seen except for when i open wide enough and laugh all crazy like  - which i am known to do a lot.  oh well.

i've had 2 root canals and 2 crowns (the freak 6th grade hockey incident) with no complications, but, for some reason i'm extra anxious about this upcoming procedure.  i just hope and pray the current "fix" holds until i can get it properly treated and in the meantime, any crazy tooth dream doesn't occur.

enjoy your hump day!   i plan on posting up to date pool water pictures tomorrow.  i think you'll be surprised!

stupid blogger.

you all will have to bear with me for a little while.  last week, as i was trying to be a better blogger and post more frequently, i began to get error messages whenever i would be on my blogger dashboard.  i am unable to see the list of my posts.  i am unable to scroll that screen without the error message constantly popping up.  normally, this isn't an issue as i can still write and post blogs.  however, once it's posted i am unable to edit it correctly.

blogger has said they are working on the issue.  apparently it has something to do with the google toolbar and my antivirus working together?  who knows.   what i do know is - until this is resolved, it's too much of a headache for me to blog very much and even a bigger headache to post pictures.  

and boy.. do i have some pictures.   this weekend was spent working on the pool.  BLECH.  

more on that to come.... hopefully, this technical situation will be fixed quickly.  i'm sure you are all anxious to read and see about the adventure that is my stupid pool.

enjoy your week... it's gonna be super hot here!

WTF(riday) {dedicated to the demon}

each day i've been giving the demon short lists of chores that need to be done before he can have his fun time.  nothing on the list is too drastic.  in fact, each list was simple.  the list for thursday included:  vacuum the living room, clean up the back yard, & pick up anything, (of his) out of place in the living room and dining room.

around 9pm i decided to check the pool cover for water.  for the past few days i've asked the demon if there was any remaining water that needed to be siphoned and for the past few days he's told me "nope!".  

he was wrong.  i'm not sure what pool cover he was looking at.. but i'm pretty sure that ^ that is water on a pool cover that is in our back yard.

remember how i told him to clean up the back yard?

truck looked on with disgust.

can't you see it?  his disgust?!

then i saw this...

i'm not quiet sure what happened here.  the rock should be IN the ground like the rocks on both sides of this one.

i have yet to ask him why this rock has been "unearthed", but, i'm sure the explanation is interesting.

finally i saw this little gem...

for a long time the demon has wanted these little "Hug" juices and for that same long time i've told him "no".  in my head there was absolutely no reason the boys needed these little bottles of crap.  we were at sam's last week and, again, he asks.  finally, i caved under the condition that i never see the plastic jugs any where other than the garbage can.   guess where this was?  right.  the freakin' back yard on the ground. 

WTF.

16 days later... a rant, ramble, vent.

it's been 16 days. 

16 days since i convinced my brother we should call for an ambulance.

16 days that my Momma has been away from home.

today, she comes home.

if i had known then what i know now - i would have done things differently.  so much more differently.

as it stands right now.. i don't know how much time i have left with my momma. 

so many emotions.  sadness, despair, panic, fear.. emptiness.

16 days ago i was praying for a miracle.

today, i pray for peace and comfort.  if you're reading this.. please pray.

pray that my Momma is able to find that peace & comfort.

my life will never again be as it was 16 days ago...

Spinning our wheels.

To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement.  I was frustrated back in October.   I think I hit the desperate level back in January.  I'm not sure there is an adequate word to describe where I am right now.

Defeated.

The Demon has continued to struggle in school.  I couldn't even bring myself to take a photo of his report card this quarter.  Normally, I'm all about posting how he's doing to help motivate him to get in gear.  I especially love posting the great grades to reward his hard work.

We met with his teachers last week.  It's taken them three quarters to reach the level of frustration that I was feeling back in October.  Really?!  Well, I'm glad they've decided to join the party.

We have a plan in place and I hope by the time everything is said and done we have an explanation as to why the Demon is the way he is.  Why do I have to tell him every.single.day. to do something that he's supposed to do every.single.day?

Why can he walk past the cat food/water dishes 3 times in the morning and not fill them.  Each and every morning I say "Kane, cat food and water."

Every night - "Get your back pack together for tomorrow morning."

Every morning - "Why isn't your back pack together!?!"

Every afternoon - "If you would have put your back pack together you wouldn't have forgotten your book!"

Every day, twice a day... "Take your probiotics!"

Every day he will leave something at home that he needs for school or leave something at school that is needed at home.  There are times he won't bring home his planner.  He will have tests and not bring home books to study.  In fact, his teacher told me that both she and another teacher told him, twice each, to do an assignment (that was already late) and he didn't do it.  My response to her?  It doesn't surprise me... I live that life every.single.day.

I've never been able to tell him "Go clean your room.", or "Clean up the dining room."  I have to say "Clean your dresser, straighten the floor, put away the toys, clean your desk."  If I'm not specific, something shiny will catch his eye and hours later I will find him drawing or reading a book instead of cleaning his room.  As we're reading some questions that we're supposed to before a doctor's appointment one of them was "Often has trouble maintaining focus on daily tasks"  I didn't get to the word "trouble" before he interrupted me and started talking about a light that he claims to have seen.

Focus!!  Stay focused long enough so we can finish theses forms!

While I know that his success and failure depends mostly on him... we have failed him. We need to shoulder some of this responsibility.

I should have pushed and pushed and kept pushing until we had concrete answers.  I needed to be his voice.

His teachers have seen him decline more and more each year, yet have not once brought up tutoring in school or the idea that maybe it's time to start questioning if there is more going on than just a lazy, unmotivated kid.

From this moment on, I will not care to ruffle feathers.  I will not care to offend his teachers, principal, doctors or counselors.  With every fiber of my being I will fight to get my child the help he needs to succeed.  His failing will mean that I failed him.

I refuse to fail.