what i see...

a couple weekends ago the demon, his girlfriend, fernie and i went to a local park and rented a pontoon.  it was so much fun!!  we had to wait a little while for one of the 3 boats to return to the boat house so while we waited we went for some lunch.  we all laughed, enjoyed each other and the pup.

i took various photos while we were out on the lake.  the demon had a great time driving the boat.  his girlfriend and i laughed and got to know each other a little better.  it was a very fun day. i got home, uploaded some of my photos to my facebook page and bragged about the awesome day! 

then it happened.  i saw this photo.  this was a candid photo that his girlfriend took of me. obviously, i had no idea the picture was being taken. then, she had done the same thing.. she got home and was posting her photos.  she commented how she enjoyed spending the day on the lake with "us three". 

however, all i saw was a fat person.  immediately, i sent the demon a text commenting on how fat i looked in that pic!!!! i sent the photo to a couple friends, whining about how fat i was!!!  .. how i couldn't believe it was posted!!!

thank god for those friends.  as the demon and i laughed about everything.. the friends helped me see my reality.

i kicked cancer's ass.  i've been through 25 rounds of radiation, 5 rounds of intense/internal radiation, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, over 8 blood transfusions, horrible radiation burns, lasting radiation damage, weekly blood draws and IV infusions.  i kicked cancer right in the teeth.  i did all i had to do and came out on the other side.  i'm still here.  other's are not as fortunate as i am.. and i'm so thankful for my second chance.

after talking it over with those good friends, what do i see, now?  

i see a kick ass chic.  i see a beautiful lady that is having a wonderful day on the lake.  i see a person that is living her life! i see a person that - not once during that day - thought about her weight.  i see a person that isn't waiting to lose weight before she gets out there and enjoys life. i see a woman that has kicked cancer's face in and is enjoying that exact moment in her life with people she loves.

i see happiness.

my lifelong battle with food and weight will never go away.  no matter the size i've ever been, it's never been 'good enough' for me.  but, for right now - this exact moment in time,  i see a person that is living and happy.

i want to thank his girlfriend for taking this photo.  it's quickly becoming a favorite of mine.

♥

If I knew then what I know now.. 10 things.

.. I would not have wasted so much time "waiting until".

.. I would have tried more of a variety of foods as a child.

.. I would have hugged my momma one last time.

.. I would not delete voicemails left by family.

.. I would have taken more photos with me in front of a camera.

.. I would have never rescheduled any pap smear appointments.

.. I would not have gone so crazy with waxing my eyebrows!

.. I would have cut certain friends out of my life sooner, while holding on to others tighter.

.. I would not have ever used baby oil and then lay out in the sun.

.. I would have let go of grudges years ago.

I don't really have too many regrets in life, however,  I do think if I had the chance to do life over again - things would go a bit differently.
I am who I am because of how things did play out, which isn't all too bad. 
But, I think I'd like a redo.

♥

Life, lately.

how i spent my valentine's day.

This is how I've spent most of the last 3 months.  Laying down.  I won't bore everyone with the stupid details, but, I can honestly say I'd prefer a broken toe all over again vs. a bad back/hip. I've had a few great days (read: pain free - thank you Prednisone!) sprinkled throughout the last 3 months and it's those days that have kept me going.  

Those days of logging in over 10K steps.  Those days of finding an awesome new past time of bouncing on a personal trampoline.  Those days felt full of accomplishment!  Those were happy days.  Days filled with smiles and laughter and a real love for competition (even if my brother claims to not care anymore...).  They weren't days filled with much weight loss - but they were full of good mental vibes.  

Recently...

I am struggling.  My "happy" has been achieving my walking goal; surpassing that goal.  However, my goal, now,  is to go further than the day before.  Some days it's not been too difficult.  Some days, getting that extra step has been really tough.  But, I press on.  I move forward.  Yesterday, I had an MRI.  The results were normal.  Great, right!!??  I'm thankful nothing serious is going on - really I am...but when you've been in pain for so long and test after test - image after image - reads as normal?!  Frustration sets in.  Despair sets in.  Sadness settles... and yesterday it hit me hard.  As I read the doctor's note through tear filled eyes, I was giving up.  I felt it deep within, I was done.

Thank God for amazing friends to lift me when I feel so low.  I pressed on.  I beat that 2,874 total and passed by 3,000 before I even realized I had done so.  I was happy.  I felt proud of myself.  So, here I sit, defeated and sad.. but I am moving forward.  I will do all I can to remember the happy from last night...to remember the happy from hitting my first 10 mile day.  I will do it again.  

I will.

Doing the best I can, and that is enough.

In the beginning of 2014 I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year.  Well, that obviously isn't going to happen.  I can't even blame my bum knee - it's just not something I made a priority throughout the year.  One of the big goals I listed for myself was to not be so hard on myself.  This extends beyond my physical appearance (overweight).  I think I've come a long way with my personal self esteem and body image.  Other areas of my life, however, I found myself continuing to struggle.  For example - my walking.

A daily normal goal for walking would be about 10,000 steps a day.  Once I was easily able to hit that, I knew I was capable of more. More and more.  I was consistently walking over 20K steps a day and working hard to hit that 10 mile mark.  Regardless of my shin pain - I pushed myself.  I pushed myself so hard and I was so proud of myself as I laid my head to pillow each night.  As the weather began to change and the temps to drop, I was even more excited!  This is my time of the year!   I was out there jogging in the rain, and loving every second of it.  

Then, ... I adopted the pup.  He has since, slowed me down.  I know he needs to get out and work off the energy but he just couldn't keep up with, what had become, my norm.  So, I slowed down for him.  I was averaging 5 miles a day or so, but still hitting the normal goal of 10K a day.  My morale was beginning to tumble.  I wanted  to do more.  I knew  I could do more.  I knew I needed  to do more...

But I was continuing do feel more and more down.

Then,... I fell and sprained my knee..

Wow.  Each day that has passed, I thought... "Okay, today I am gong to try to at least make one  trip around the loop.  I can do it!!  I don't care how long it takes, I'm going to do it!!"  But, truthfully, I was afraid.  Afraid of hurting myself more.  Afraid of being out there and not being able to get back up the hill to the Jeep.  Friends and family were supportive, telling me it was okay to take the break.  Telling me I shouldn't go out there and risk further injury.  However, in my head, I was failing myself...big time.

I've sat on the couch with my leg propped up.  I've limped from room to room.  I struggled on crutches for almost 2 weeks.  Some days, I'd head out with the family - shopping, dinner, laughs.  Those were great times.. however, stuck on the couch not being able to GET up and do what I want, when I want - was getting to me.  In my head, I was thinking "If I don't get back out there and walk, I will eventually sink back into the hole and NOT want to get up and walk." 

I began physical therapy yesterday and I was encouraged to try to walk as normally as possible (the actual walking motion - no limping).  Yesterday, I walked more than any day since the injury.  Today, I hope to beat that - if only by 1 step.  It was something I needed.  I needed a professional to tell me that it's okay to be sore, to walk through soreness, to push myself again.  Of course, I can't go crazy and attempt the 10 miles any time soon.  And, truth be told, it will probably be another 2 weeks before I can attempt my normal 3 miles...but, it will happen.  

I refuse to sit around while my most favorite time of the year quickly passes by.  I will continue to try and forgive my clumsy body and reassure myself that it's okay if I don't always hit the 10 mile mark.  Those, almost, 3900 steps yesterday were hard fought..painful steps.  It was WORK to get those steps.  

I am pretty proud of myself.

It's been awhile.

long time no see?  i am disappointed in myself.  i really wanted to put forth more effort toward my blog this year and have not.  i have no excuse.  i haven't had any motivation.  i lost my blogging mojo.  to be honest, i lost more than just that.  i've had a rough time lately.  anywho.. i'm here now, and that's what counts!  right?  i should probably take a look at my 2014 goal list and re-evaluate things.

we went away on vacation and spent 4 days in Gatlinburg, TN.  for the most part we had a great time.  however, i did learn that maybe i'm not cut out for being away from home.  my anxieties kicked into overdrive.  i am not sure if it was due to the fact that it's been years since really being away from home for any length of time or what, but.. i was a bit of a mess at times.  thankfully, i realized my issues and was able to talk myself down.  when we spent time on the strip in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and kept ourselves super busy we had such a fun time.  loads of laughs were had, despite my hang ups.  i realized that i needed to talk to someone and i have.  hopefully, i'm on the upswing.  depression and anxiety simply sucks.

as you can see, i am still snapping away!  i really find such peace while out walking/hiking in the woods and strolling through cemeteries.  luckily, we've had a pretty cool summer and i've not been dreading walking around in high heat.  just last week, i took my second vacation.  we didn't travel anywhere but we spent 6 of 7 days out exploring.  we went to new parks and i enjoyed the time spent with the demon.

i am only sharing a portion of the photos i've taken since last blogging.  feel free to follow me on Instagram. i am still trying to work with black and white images.  it's not as easy for me to capture that perfect shot in black and white.  weird, considering i'm not a fan of color. ha!

i'm sad that summer break is quickly coming to an end.  it's such a mixture of emotions for me.  i can't  wait  for autumn!  if you know me at all, you know that i love everything autumn.  halloween, pumpkins, corn mazes, Horror, changing leaves, cooler weather, hoodies, naked trees.. just everything.  but, i hate that school starts back up.  having the freedom that summer brings is something that i greatly miss once the school schedule goes back into effect.  

i guess that's all for now.  we - as a family - just keep chugging along.  we've had a decent summer filled with grill outs, work, family time, hiking, biking, a couple trips to Kings Island, laughs and tears.  before i leave.. i must share some recent photos of Miss Bella Boo (my brother's pup).  she really is adorably awful. ha!

have a wonderful weekend.  i'll try not to stay away so long the next time.

♥

life.

i find myself living life in a fog right now.  i know i am not alone in feeling that way.  unfortunately, many people live life feeling this way.  we put on a smile.  we laugh at jokes. we come up with new excuses to not go out with friends.  we try so hard to just get out of bed each morning and socialize with the normal world around us.  we go to work each day.  we function just enough  to make it back home and retire to the couch and close the curtains around us and just breathe.  sometimes i even catch myself thinking... ok, breathe.  and, those are the "normal" times.. other times i'm trying to stop an impending panic attack.  i have to not remind myself to breathe..but have to convince myself to slow down.

it's not a great existence. it just is.

we just are.

we exist.

i am stuck.  i am not sure why i'm even airing my dirty laundry here - other than to hopefully look back on this entry, months from now, and know that i've survived another period of extreme funk in my life.  i know there is "the other side" of these feelings.  i know, one day i'll wake up and something will click and i will choose to be happy again.

like it's a choice.

i suppose i'm choosing the funk now...

i hope to be around the blogging world soon.   

i miss this place.

Psssst...

... I'm still here. 

It was brought to my attention that it's been a long while since I last updated this place. 

They were right.

My Grannie passed away 12.14.13.  The world lost an amazing woman.  Our lives had been on hold for many months and we're all still feeling a bit stuck.  Eventually... life will return to "normal", whatever that is. 

My family has never known "normal".

Christmas has come and gone.  We all survived.

I promise to be more active around here. 

I miss blogging.

I wish everyone a happy new year.

See ya in 2014.   ♥

What the...

... F*#!  It's been nearly a  month  since I've been here!  Life is still in a holding pattern.  To say that I have been down, in a funk, depressed..may be an understatement.  I have brief periods of time that are spent happy, laughing and having a good time.  Unfortunately, for the inter-webs, those times are not spent online.  Happy times have been spent walking around parks and cemeteries.  Happy times have been spent on my couch laughing it up with the Demon.  We even had a family game night thrown into the mix. 

Thanksgiving will soon be here and we all know how awful I am with the turkey.  I think we're planning on eating out, again, this year.  No arguments from me!

I have so many photos I could upload here but, to be quite honest, I am lazy!  There will come a point in time when I will be able to go into detail what has been going on in my, normally, very boring life.  Hopefully very soon.

Until then, enjoy this picture from Spring Grove Cemetery.  Ohhhh, I have so much to share from this amazing place. 

excuse me.

i know i haven't been here as much as i have said i was going to be!  so much is happening around here that i have just not had the time or want to sit down and blog.  i have quite a few photos to dump but that will have to wait until i have longer than a couple minutes to check in.  

you'll have to continue to excuse my sporadic blogging for a bit longer.  but, i promise to return as soon as i can! 

Oops. I say that a lot.. right?

i totally missed my blog's birthday!  it was the 8th.  i must've been completely bogged down by tax time and basically just not blogging  that i forgot.  i can't believe i've kept up with this thing for 3 years!  okay, well i go through periods of funk that have derailed the best laid plans to blog regularly,.. but i'm still here!

barely.

to post from my phone or nexus takes a lot of patience - and unless you're very new around these parts - you know that patience is not something i excel in.  i've gone through moments over the last couple weeks of "thank god i don't have a computer!" to "oh crap.. i need a computer!"  the goal is to wait it out until back to school prices start popping up over the summer.  it's been a true test of my impulsiveness.

this time last year was the worst time of my life, to date.  it still blows my mind that it's been a year.  

the demon is going on a camping trip with his class this week and he's super excited.  he leaves wednesday and arrives back at school friday afternoon.  i can't wait to hear all the details!

i was recently looking over my goal list... #2 says "i hope to not obsess about my weight and along with that, try really hard to not talk down about myself."  i have been really  doing well with this one!  i've also been working very hard on being an example for the people in my immediate circle.  i think we've all become a little more body positive - regardless of size or shape!  the real test is going to be walking around kings island and curbing our comments about random people that may be walking by.  it's not so easy to wake up one day and stop being the "judge-y people watchers".   but, we're actively working on it and i am so happy with how far we've come!

it's a wonderful thing when you can see beauty in everyone.

i think that's all for now.  i hope to not stay away so long this time.  who knows, maybe the demon will come home from his camping trip to a new computer at the house!

i hope you're able to enjoy your day.. even though it is  a monday.

it's late.

it's about 2:00 am on saturday morning.  i ended up falling asleep earlier and just woke up in a panic thinking it was a work day.  don't you hate that?  then, just realized i hadn't blogged all week!  i'm also not doing as well with my project 365 as i wanted.  maybe i'll use this demon free weekend to get caught up on my blog.  maybe i'll just use it to catch up on my sleep.

it's been over 9 months since i lost momma.  recently, i've been having awful flashbacks to those 2 weeks - the time period from when i talked her into going to the ER and her passing.  i just can't shake the "should've, could've, would've" moments.  i can't grasp the "why's, and how's" over how everything went down.

how is it fair that, the person that was there for her more than anyone else never got one lucid moment with her over the last 2 weeks of her life.  not one chance to talk to her like we had talked to each other every single day of my life.. i know i wasn't the only one that dealt with the confused, angry, out of it mom - so did my brother.  but we both have very different memories from those 2 weeks.  i am blessed that i wasn't with her when the doctor's told her about the diagnosis and she had to be sedated.. i can't imagine that memory being thrown into my head along with everything else i have been dealing with...

i lay in bed almost every night and think... and cry.  i honestly think i'm getting sadder each day instead of happier.  the awful memories of the hospital and hospice flood my mind during the most odd times.  yesterday, as i was brushing my teeth, i was overcome with the sadness i felt of my first visit with her at hospice - the despair that was conveyed in her facial expressions.  then, later that afternoon, i check the mail and it's another freaking letter from them.  i need to call and get taken off their mailing list...  i'm sure hospice has done so much good for so many families, but, getting a reminder letter every so often is not what this family needs or wants.

there's no real reason for this post other than taking this time to get my thoughts out in writing. 

hopefully, this blog will get back to it's regular scheduled programming very soon.

christmas eve.

it's christmas eve.  everyone has left and i'm home alone...watching home alone.  ha.

we did everything the same as we've always done for christmas eve. 

we ate sandwiches.

we sent the boys next door so that we could load their stockings.

we opened gifts.

we had cheeseball and chex mix.

the demon left for his dad's house at 9..and everyone dispersed.   just like normal.

only... nothing was normal about this christmas at all.

the other day, while i was wrapping presents, i labeled one of them to the demon from my mom.  every year the demon has been alive, i've wrapped her gifts to him.  lately i've started wrapping gifts from my Grannie to him as well.  so, it was totally accidental but instead of writing my grandma's name, i wrote my mom's name after "GMA".  it was completely done out of reflex but it was a sobering moment for me.  

i managed to figure out a way to listen to christmas carols and be happy, but i couldn't wrap gifts without being sad.

go figure.

i hope everyone has a very merry christmas.  please, make these days memorable and filled with love and laughter.  you never know when this christmas may be the last you spend with your loved ones.

Christmas 2011

things i love thursday.

we're taking a break from cat chaos for things i love thursday.  don't worry...spike didn't disappoint yesterday,  but, for today.. i wanted to throw some random loveliness at you all.

via:  ModCloth

this knife is a-d-o-r-a-b-l-e.  people think of the craziest things!  really.  

via:  Modcloth

i love this set!  as much as i would love these shakers, i know that it would be another thing around this house the cats (spike) would think was a fun, dangly toy put on my table specifically for his enjoyment. 

via:  PerfectThingVintage

oh em gee.  i mentioned awhile back about my want for a new TV tray set.  since then i have seen beautiful trays but i haven't had much luck in finding a complete set of, at least 4 trays, that match and are affordable.  after seeing this one, i have come to the conclusion that mixing and matching may be the way to go.  i love this tray.

via:  Melie Bianco

when i have mentioned my addiction  to buying purses i may have understated the severity of the situation.  in the past month i've bought 2 more.  the real problem that i seem to have is my lack of self control.  if i see one i like, i buy.  i have no reason.  i don't need another black purse but i had to have it!  however, i am able to say that i do not have a purse in this color.  what's that mean?  i need this one!

via:  amazon

this cd.  we were at big lots the other day and i saw this and knew i had to get it ASAP.  i've been really trying to get into the holiday spirit.  i mentioned the other day that i couldn't get through certain christmas songs without becoming an emotional basket case.  i thought i'd attack this problem from another angle.  i love, love, LOVE these versions of classic christmas songs.  every single thing about this cd reminds me of my grandpa...and those memories are happy.  the memories that flood my mind while listening to these songs bring smiles instead of tears.  since buying this one,  i've ordered 2 additional CD's that include more songs and more classic singers.  i.can't.wait!

yesterday, my brother, the demon, and i managed to successfully sneak around the front of my grannie's house to hang christmas lights around her hand railings.  we were finished hanging and my brother went inside to plug everything in, and it was then she started getting nosy suspicious.  he was hoping to surprise her after dark so she could see them lit in all their colorful glory but she insisted to see what we were up to.   she was so happy!  my brother suggested we also string lights around a little bush and we're planning on doing that today.. but this time we're definitely going to be able to keep it a secret until dark!

i hope everyone is having a great thursday!

i thought i could..

for years, the monday after thanksgiving marks the time at work that i switch the radio station to all christmas all the time.  i'm ready to go - full speed ahead - toward christmas!  i'm excited.  usually.

yesterday i did what i always do.. i switched my radio station.  i was minding my own business bee boppin' to Jingle Bells and dancing in my chair to little Michael and The Jackson Five singing I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus when all of a sudden this came on...

i stopped working.  i started tearing up... to the point that the tears were escaping my eyes.  i couldn't change the song fast enough!  Josh Groban was one of my mom's favorites.  she would play his cd's over and over and loudly.  she converted the demon and he would sit with her and sing along with the cd.

my mood was different for the rest of the day.  i was disappointed in myself that i couldn't just DO it.. i couldn't just listen to the stupid songs and get on with my day.  i let my mind wander and think of sad thoughts instead of happy memories.  i really hope to be able to listen to christmas songs before this season is over.

i have to say that my brother cheered me up later in the day and i'm sure he had no idea how what he did truly affected me.. and if he's reading - thank you!!

speaking of christmas.. i have yet to start decorating.  the demon has a very specific list of items that he wants to put up this year and i am heavily considering leaving the decorating to him.  i'm an over the top control freak.  i've always rearranged ornaments he's put up, nativity scenes that i let him arrange, and even rehang the stockings the way that *I* want them to hang!  this year i'm going to try to do things differently.  this year it's all up to him.  in the grand scheme of things .. who really cares how the house is decorated?  who cares that the ornaments are placed perfectly.  who cares that the tree even HAS ornaments hanging?  who cares how the stockings are hung?  i want to laugh and have a good time.. i don't want to obsess about trying to appear perfect.

so... here's hoping i can let go of the control freak and let the demon have his fun.

my week on instagram

another week has come and gone.  i am slacking - big time - with the blog.  for those that read and enjoy, i apologize!  i promise to do better for the remainder of the year...even if it's just checking in at the end of the day with a "hi!".

next week is thankgiving!  i can't believe how the end of the year always seems to fly by so quickly.  i hope to put the christmas tree up on wednesday.  i haven't been able to listen to christmas music just yet... 

anywho.. let's take a peak back on the week through instagram.

01.  over the summer i tried and tried to find a "nude" nail polish and i just never was able to get it on nicely.  even this one by Essie.. didn't make me completely happy.

02.  i just love my quilt.  it's perfect for my room temperature.  i wish it were possible to get this exact one in a small throw size to keep in my living room.  i shall start my hunt,.... now!

03.  i ordered my first non fat hot chocolate!  it's weird, i've ordered another since and it seems they aren't filling the cups up as full as in the past?  has anyone else had that experience with Mc Donalds?

04.  after playing for hours in the back yard shooting hoops..the demon came limping into the house with one shoe off.  he showed me this long nail that had embedded itself in his shoe!  thank god it didn't go all the way through... he survived!

05.  one of the prompts for the #fmsphotoaday challenge was "in your bag".  i bought this new purse last sunday.  it goes against almost everything i am to own anything this pink, but I couldn't resist the bag.

06.  after a day full of shopping with my brother, the beast and the demon...we refueled at Long John Silvers.

07.  i went through a long period when i wasn't hitting any trains as i drove to and from work.  i thought maybe it was because of the time change.  however, lately it seems as if at least once - daily - i'm getting stopped.  maybe it's because i'm running more late than normal.

08.  it's still looking a lot like fall around here.  our weekend temperatures have been perfect.  but, i am ready for cold temps and freezing evenings spent at the festival of lights.

09.  the demon appears to have taken a turn for the better with his grades.  i sure hope so!  he is so excited about going to high school (which is also a new feeling for him) and i don't want his school struggles to lessen that excitement.

i love that i've started doing this weekly recap.  it really helps to remember that,  even though i'm stuck in the funk, looking back - it's never as bad as it seems. 

enjoy the rest of your sunday.. i'm watching the bengals and expecting a win!

history repeating itself...

11.14.11 i was feeling almost the same as i'm feeling today.  very weird.  i know my reasons for feeling funky, probably, are very different from last year - but, regardless... i'm down.

recently i've been doing a lot of retail therapy.  it's not something i *should* be doing and normally it's not something that makes me feel good - but this time it's different.   i'm forcing myself to buy some new clothes.  not just new clothes but clothes that i would not normally wear.  nice sweaters, leggings, boots, even tanks to go under the pretty sweaters.  twice last week i forced myself to dress a little nicer.  and, guess what?  i felt pretty on those days!

i felt nice.  i felt a little less funky.

no, i haven't lost weight.. in fact i've gained weight.  yes, i still hate everything about trying on clothes.  this is something i had to force myself to do.  i'm thankful i did.  

as superficial as this is to type - a fresh hair dye, lovely fall finger nail polish, a new sweater and a comfy pair of boots made all the difference in the world to me, last friday.  i felt good.

in my post from last year, i asked the question if people choose to stay sad?  i'm still not sure of the answer but i do know that i'm doing my best to make a conscious effort to not be sad.  i just need to find a cheaper way to cheer myself up - that won't continue to pack on the pounds! 

i have to throw a shout out to a blogger that i've been following for quite some time now.   Rachele, over at The Nearsighted Owl, has been an inspiration for me.  she is consistently so positive and supportive and, it may be silly to say, finding her blog may have totally changed my life.  i'm sure i'm not the only one that reads what she says and has had their lives touched.  her attitude on body image and empowering women is something that i needed exactly at the time in my life that i stumbled upon her blog -and through her blog i've also found many other positive women bloggers.  i know i've said it before, but, i really need to share these blogs with the few ppl that read mine! 

please take some time today to visit and browse her blog - you won't be sorry!

it's time to start my day.. i hope everyone is enjoying their week.

carve 'em up.

this sucks.  this should be my happiest time of the year, yet i'm just not feeling it. 

i've done the normal Horror movie marathons.  

i've done the whole changing my facebook picture daily to give people their daily dose of scare. 

i've attempted the super annoying birthday countdown.

we've done the pumpkin patch thing.

this weekend we carved our pumpkins.  (excuse crappy cell photos)

of course... the boys, being the boys that they are, have to add their own fun into the mix.

the Demon was mid head bang and the Beast was getting some ideas for next years costume.

the dog was just as nosy as ever...

... and was hoovering the ground for any pumpkin/seeds that found their way to the floor.

these were their finished products.

i spent my evening taking pictures and picking through the guts to gather the seeds.

they were very yummy!

during our fun filled weekend i forced the boys into goodwill.  i always head straight back to the housewares area and hope to quickly browse the shelves.  i found some very cute place mats!

i also stumbled upon this super cute set of salt and pepper shakers...

i carried them around the entire time we were browsing.  the shark is courtesy of the Beast.  i'm not sure why, but he really wanted this shark!  we both put them back on the shelves and walked out sulking that maybe we should've bought them.

i hope your tuesday is going well.  despite wading through this funk - i am looking forward to showing off the boys in their costumes after Halloween.  it's going to be great!

my week on instagram.

what a week!  it always seems like this time of the year is crazy busy.  i think it's because we have to cram everything in to an "every other weekend" schedule because the Demon spends the opposite weekends with his dad.  

♦  the week began with above average temperatures.  while i hate the heat it was definitely beautiful.  i'm happy to report the weather has cooled down.

♦  i tried out a new nail polish - armed and ready, by essie.  *love*.

♦  game night!  i wasn't in the mood to bust out my phone or the camera for full on pictures.. but it was a fun time.

♦  i had the Beast all weekend and we took advantage DQ still being open so late in the season.  mmmm, blizzards.

♦  the boys carved their punkins!  i have one, possibly two, pumpkins remaining to carve.  i hope these two last until wednesday!

♦  finally, we spend today at one of the local flea markets.  trader's world is, most always, a good time.  

i hope everyone has enjoyed their weekend.  despite finding my way back to the funk - having both boys for the weekend can really make a person feel better.  seriously, i was laughing so hard today while walking around the flea market i had tears.  ♥

the Demon has no school tomorrow.  i've decided to take the day off (and actually make up the time on my birthday!) and continue the time together.  i'm afraid the time is soon coming when he won't want to spend this time with his mom.  until then, i'm soaking it up.

my week on instagram

♦  My week started off with a fresh coat of lovely brown polish.

♦  Years ago, like 15 or so years... I asked my momma for this ring for Christmas.  I decided to pull it out and wear it for awhile.

♦  Our pumpkin haul - on display.

♦  I love how a rainy picture looks when taken through glass.

♦  One of the prompts for the #fmsphotoaday challenge was "made you smile".  This Halloween display always puts a smile on my face.

♦  Arrested Development, anyone?

♦  The leaves finally started to change around my neighborhood.

♦  I was wearing this little hair clip and I was trying so hard to get it in the picture frame.  Fail.

♦  I ended my week wearing orange.

Today we (the Demon, his dad and I) are heading to a high school open house.  He's excited to get a chance to walk around the school he's hoping to attend next year.  I, however, am sad.  Sad that he's getting older.  Sad that my Momma isn't here to see him growing up.  Sad that I'm going to be walking this high school adventure without her advice and shoulder to lean on...

I've been feeling pretty down lately.  Maybe it's because my birthday is coming up and she's not here.  Every year I'm so excited about my birthday.  I love to annoy everyone around me with daily reminders and jokes about it approaching.  It's just not the same this year.

and, it's not fair...

I need to do something, anything.

Not that long ago.. probably a little over a week? I mentioned that this is my most favorite time of the year.  I mentioned that I've not been as "funky" lately.  While, for the most part that's true.. I still have my moments.  Understandably...

Having said that.. I have realized that we're already approaching the second weekend in October and we have done nothing!  Granted, I only have the Demon every other weekend - and this *is* our first October weekend- but I want to do something.  Even something as simple as heading to a park and taking a hike through the trees to see the beautiful changing leaves.  It really doesn't even have to be a park (although, here in Ohio, we have some beauties!).. maybe I should take a walk around the neighborhood.  Once I get out of the crap that is my immediate area... I enter a beautiful little part of town with streets lined with trees and falling yellow, red and orange leaves.   I think if I were to get out and enjoy the weather (especially since it's been amazing lately!) my mood may improve longer than a day or so.

However, it's a lot easier for me to plant my butt and watch trash reality TV mixed with a few Horror movies. 

This upcoming weekend we have a few things planned.  I hope to blanket the blog in lovely Autumn pictures soon.  I haven't picked up my camera in a couple months.  That has to change.

People have recently started talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Let's just say - simply typing that sentence has my eyes welling with tears.  We'll get through the holidays... but I don't want to just get through them.  I want to enjoy them.  When talking about the deceased,  friends always encourage "They would want you to be happy!" and that sentiment is so true.  

So... that's what we'll try to do.