July 26, 2017

what i see...

a couple weekends ago the demon, his girlfriend, fernie and i went to a local park and rented a pontoon.  it was so much fun!!  we had to wait a little while for one of the 3 boats to return to the boat house so while we waited we went for some lunch.  we all laughed, enjoyed each other and the pup.

i took various photos while we were out on the lake.  the demon had a great time driving the boat.  his girlfriend and i laughed and got to know each other a little better.  it was a very fun day. i got home, uploaded some of my photos to my facebook page and bragged about the awesome day! 

then it happened.  i saw this photo.  this was a candid photo that his girlfriend took of me. obviously, i had no idea the picture was being taken. then, she had done the same thing.. she got home and was posting her photos.  she commented how she enjoyed spending the day on the lake with "us three". 

however, all i saw was a fat person.  immediately, i sent the demon a text commenting on how fat i looked in that pic!!!! i sent the photo to a couple friends, whining about how fat i was!!!  .. how i couldn't believe it was posted!!!

thank god for those friends.  as the demon and i laughed about everything.. the friends helped me see my reality.

i kicked cancer's ass.  i've been through 25 rounds of radiation, 5 rounds of intense/internal radiation, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, over 8 blood transfusions, horrible radiation burns, lasting radiation damage, weekly blood draws and IV infusions.  i kicked cancer right in the teeth.  i did all i had to do and came out on the other side.  i'm still here.  other's are not as fortunate as i am.. and i'm so thankful for my second chance.

after talking it over with those good friends, what do i see, now?  

i see a kick ass chic.  i see a beautiful lady that is having a wonderful day on the lake.  i see a person that is living her life! i see a person that - not once during that day - thought about her weight.  i see a person that isn't waiting to lose weight before she gets out there and enjoys life. i see a woman that has kicked cancer's face in and is enjoying that exact moment in her life with people she loves.

i see happiness.

my lifelong battle with food and weight will never go away.  no matter the size i've ever been, it's never been 'good enough' for me.  but, for right now - this exact moment in time,  i see a person that is living and happy.

i want to thank his girlfriend for taking this photo.  it's quickly becoming a favorite of mine.

July 19, 2017

If I knew then what I know now.. 10 things.

.. I would not have wasted so much time "waiting until".

.. I would have tried more of a variety of foods as a child.

.. I would have hugged my momma one last time.

.. I would not delete voicemails left by family.

.. I would have taken more photos with me in front of a camera.

.. I would have never rescheduled any pap smear appointments.

.. I would not have gone so crazy with waxing my eyebrows!

.. I would have cut certain friends out of my life sooner, while holding on to others tighter.

.. I would not have ever used baby oil and then lay out in the sun.

.. I would have let go of grudges years ago.

I don't really have too many regrets in life, however,  I do think if I had the chance to do life over again - things would go a bit differently.
I am who I am because of how things did play out, which isn't all too bad. 
But, I think I'd like a redo.

July 12, 2017


You guys!  It's been a little more than 2 months.  Geez.  I wanted to be MORE active on my blog once treatment ended.  I wanted this to continue to be a diary of how I am feeling, daily.  Sometimes, no news really is good news.  Recently, I have been trying to get out of the house and do more.  By "do more" I really mean try to get out with my camera.  Physically, I am still sore a lot of the time - but just getting out of the house for an hour or so is really helpful for my mental.  I'm back to working 7 hours a day.  Whew, it's not easy and I have to get up and move around quite frequently, but it's nice to get back to some normal.

Oh!! The Demon has graduated high school.  Can you even believe it!!?? I know I can't.  It's been a very rough last few years, but he's done it!!  No more school shopping, no more tuition, no more arguing over homework, and no more worrying about failing!!  Seriously, it's such a huge relief.  Our house has been so much more harmonious since the end of May.  I still look at him, the 18 year old young man that he's become - and can't believe I am his mother.

Ok, you can say it...there is no dog cuter than this baby.  None!!  This photo was from Blue's 3rd birthday.  I surprised him with a small ice cream cone from Dairy Queen.  It was an amazing trip.  Just look at that happiness!  Too much.  He's changed my life.

Chemo-brain is a real thing, ya'll.  I can't remember if I've mentioned getting a new pup?  Little Lucy! We normally refer to her as lil 'Lu.  She's such a great addition to our household.  She gets along with both Blue & Fernie.  She doesn't back down to either of 'em and is usually chasing them around chewing on their ankles.  She, literally, is an ankle biter!

Finally, I made it to the Ohio State Reformatory!  It's been a dream of mine for a few years to go for a visit/tour.  We - my brother, sister in law, and myself - took off for the day.  It really was an interesting trip and something different for us all to do.  Highly recommend going and taking a look around!

In a couple weeks,  the three of us will be taking off for a few days in Michigan. I can't wait to update and posts photos here.  It's a place none of us have been, so it will be loads of fun and new adventures.  Also, in a few weeks I start physical therapy for my hips.  X-rays have shown no arthritis (which is shocking..) and no bone loss (which is great!).. so my doctor is hopeful PT will help with my pain.

Life, right now, involves a lot of work, more sleep, and a few hours of fun thrown in throughout the week.  All in all, not too bad.

Until next time, take care! ♥