July 26, 2017

what i see...

a couple weekends ago the demon, his girlfriend, fernie and i went to a local park and rented a pontoon.  it was so much fun!!  we had to wait a little while for one of the 3 boats to return to the boat house so while we waited we went for some lunch.  we all laughed, enjoyed each other and the pup.

i took various photos while we were out on the lake.  the demon had a great time driving the boat.  his girlfriend and i laughed and got to know each other a little better.  it was a very fun day. i got home, uploaded some of my photos to my facebook page and bragged about the awesome day! 

then it happened.  i saw this photo.  this was a candid photo that his girlfriend took of me. obviously, i had no idea the picture was being taken. then, she had done the same thing.. she got home and was posting her photos.  she commented how she enjoyed spending the day on the lake with "us three". 

however, all i saw was a fat person.  immediately, i sent the demon a text commenting on how fat i looked in that pic!!!! i sent the photo to a couple friends, whining about how fat i was!!!  .. how i couldn't believe it was posted!!!

thank god for those friends.  as the demon and i laughed about everything.. the friends helped me see my reality.

i kicked cancer's ass.  i've been through 25 rounds of radiation, 5 rounds of intense/internal radiation, 6 rounds of chemotherapy, over 8 blood transfusions, horrible radiation burns, lasting radiation damage, weekly blood draws and IV infusions.  i kicked cancer right in the teeth.  i did all i had to do and came out on the other side.  i'm still here.  other's are not as fortunate as i am.. and i'm so thankful for my second chance.

after talking it over with those good friends, what do i see, now?  

i see a kick ass chic.  i see a beautiful lady that is having a wonderful day on the lake.  i see a person that is living her life! i see a person that - not once during that day - thought about her weight.  i see a person that isn't waiting to lose weight before she gets out there and enjoys life. i see a woman that has kicked cancer's face in and is enjoying that exact moment in her life with people she loves.

i see happiness.

my lifelong battle with food and weight will never go away.  no matter the size i've ever been, it's never been 'good enough' for me.  but, for right now - this exact moment in time,  i see a person that is living and happy.

i want to thank his girlfriend for taking this photo.  it's quickly becoming a favorite of mine.


  1. <3 You look BEAUTIFUL and are a WARRIOR!

  2. You're beautiful no matter what you look like. In all the years I've know you I've never once been like uh oh she's out in weight, Hells no! You're you and you're gorgeous and courageous and a true warrior woman! You enjoy every moment in your life. You've earned it and then some. ❤️❤️

    1. You are beautiful, too, my friend!!!! <3 <3 <3