c.

you know, i've been sitting here for, what seems like, hours - trying to think of ways to form my thoughts.  

my feelings.  

nothing is coming.  no wise words.  no intelligent thoughts.

since monday, i've been trying to wrap my mind around the fact that i was told i have cancer.  what a scary word. what a scary moment.  but, as i look back on that moment, it was weird.  i received the call (and was told over the phone) and my doctor seemed to be in a very good mood.  casually, he discussed what the biopsies revealed.  i said "mmhmm, ok, thank you". 

thank you.. i literally thanked him for giving me that information.

he gave me the number of who i needed to call next.  he told me he was wasting no time with letters and was going to call my primary doctor himself, and give her the news.  he was going to also call the oncologist to inform them that i'd be calling.

everything moved very quickly.  which is exactly the way it should be.  some felt he should've given me the news in person.  to be honest, i'm glad he wasted no time.  no one has time to make an appt, drive the distance to the dr's office, and sit and wait to be told this news.  

all i wanted to do was hang up.. take a deep breath.. and call the oncologist.

i feel no different than i did on sunday.  physically, i feel exactly the same.

mentally, i think i'm still in shock.

next week, i have 2 tests to further diagnose where i am and to determine how we need to go about treating.

as i go about my day, everything is normal. it's not until i'm alone, in bed at night, that my mind wanders.  

that's not a good place to be.

we celebrate christmas in 2 days.  i plan on wearing my obnoxiously adorable christmas sweater with my fantastic clashing grinchy PJ pants.  i plan on smiling, laughing, and eating.  

for now, that's the only plans i have.

and, that's good enough.