have you ever...

... been to a point in your life where you felt you were changing?  or that you were at a point in your life that you wanted to change?  or needed to change?   i think i'm going through that right now.  i don't even know how to explain what or how i'm feeling.

maybe it has to do with my mom no longer being around.  

maybe it has to do with the fact that i'm going to be 35 this year.

maybe it has to do with the fact that i am genuinely not a happy person.

many times over the course of my life i've been referred to as a "miserable" person.  i never really cared too much about it, even though the person that said it never meant for it to be negative remark.  i know they loved me and i really should've stopped during that moment in time and attempted this change.  maybe if i did, i wouldn't be holding on to some of the regret that i have...

i have so much anger and resentment that i've dealt with and let go over the years.  however, i've held on to some of it and i am trying to really work to let it go, now.   i know that i need to and that by doing so i will be a much better person - a better mom, sister, friend. 

it involves so much more than just saying "eh, get over it & move on!".  after a good friend recommended a book (years ago) to me, i finally bought the thing -  A New Earth:  Awakening Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle.  now, i just need to start reading.  i don't expect the book to "fix" me or fill my life with flowers and sunshine, but i'm hopeful that i can learn something about myself by reading.

whenever a friend comes to me with problems in their relationships or just life in general i am usually the first person to say..  "you need to do what you need to do to be happy".   it's my turn.