after taking just one day off of work, my first day back was yesterday. thankfully, i have only two co workers - my boss and his wife. i considered myself lucky.. i didn't have people in and out of my office expressing their condolences. instead, they informed me that i didn't have to be there and i could come and go as i needed. i was reassured that i can do whatever feels "right" to me.
a few people expressed their feelings and were surprised that i had returned to work so soon. it wasn't said to be hurtful, but it did get me thinking.
what is normal? what is considered appropriate time to take off of work following a significant loss? 3 days? a week?
how would i be spending time off?
crying? watching tv? curled up in a ball in my room with the lights off and curtains pulled?
as my brother returned to work yesterday, he wasn't as lucky. he was confronted by person after person expressing their concern shock that he had returned to work so soon. as well meaning as those people think that they're being, the reality is their words are hurtful. do they think that we're choosing to return because we want to do our jobs and have to deflect everyone expressing their sadness to us? unfortunately, neither of us have the luxury to take time off even if we wanted to.
i'm not going to get paid to sit at home mourning. life for the demon and i (and my brother and his family) is going to go on.. even if that life is going to be a bit harder and more of a struggle.
so, while our grieving process isn't exactly the same as yours may be, it doesn't make our grief any less real. it doesn't mean that we're stuffing our grief or closing off our world to the rest of everyone trying to reach out to offer support.
so many of my friends have been reaching out to me and, for that, i'm so thankful. thankful that they realize a quick text, checking up on me, is just what i need. thankful that a random picture posted on my facebook page is something that i may need at that very moment to make me smile. thankful that my friends know that i need my space and when the time comes when i may need something..whether it be physical company or just a few minutes to chat.. they will drop what they are doing to be there for me - day or night. i know i can count on these people.
i've said it before and i'll say it again, i'm blessed to have some amazing people in my life.
I think the surprise comes from usually a few days are taken off for funeral arrangements and settling business stuff. You handled the business stuff mostly before, and there is no funeral. I don't think coming back to work means ending the grieving process. But many times family members are too busy in the few days following the death of a loved one to fully realize what happened and grieve for the loss.
ReplyDeleteyou're right. as i was driving to work i realized that it still doesn't seem real.
DeleteI'm glad you posted this. I have been so worried that I'm not doing enough to help you through this. There are people that always seem to swoop in and know the exact right things to do and say and I've never been good at that kind of stuff. I think normal for everyone is different and only you can determine that. I don't fault you at all for returning to work. I had the opposite reaction. I was so worried that you would be curled up inside your house all alone that I was glad to see you out at Lil J's track meet and at work. It doesn't mean that you are grieving any less, it just means you are handling things your own way and that is perfectly ok. <3
ReplyDelete<3 well, i can't promise that i won't have those moments..where i choose to be alone, curled up in a ball. and when that time comes, i know you're one of the people i can count on to come pull me out. :)
DeleteI can only say one thing...normal is personal. What is normal for you, may not be normal for the next person. Shoot, when my Mom died, I watched them take her body away, came home and emptied out everything of hers that was in my house and had her room reorganized and put both girls beds in there. I boxed it all up and told my sister to come go through what she wanted, everything else was going to Goodwill. She was taken out of the nursing home at 9 pm, by midnight, her room in my house had my girls sleeping in it. I did it that fast. I know my family thought I was crazy, they commented and moaned when I told them. I did my grieving when she was still alive and I knew the end was near. I, like you, had a family of my own to get back to and take care of. If my girls had seen me balled up, like I wanted to be, it would have also effected them that way and that's not good for anyone. I just told myself we'd meet again someday, where ever that would be and I prayed I'd see her in my sleep. I know none of that is "normal" to anyone else, but it was for me. You just do what you gotta do.
ReplyDeleteit definitely helps to know that i'm not alone in thinking that i have to maintain some level of normalcy for the rest of the family. at least on the outside. lol..inside and while alone i allow myself to break down if i need to. :)
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