wtf is wrong with me!?

I know the first step is admitting you have a problem.

I admit I am fat.  F.A.T.

Okay, now that I did that... why can't I stay motivated to change the problem?  I love the feeling of stepping on the scale and seeing a loss.  I love the feeling I have  during and after dancing.  I lost a lot of weight years ago (not in a very healthy way), I loved the feeling of trying on clothes and realizing I needed to go down a size.  I loved being able to walk in a department store and browse and actually pick exactly what I wanted to wear,...not settle on something that just fits.  I love reading blogs and seeing people posting personal weight loss journey pictures.  They all seem so happy.  

WHY.  CAN'T.  I.  FIND.  THAT.  MOTIVATION?

I tried the whole weight loss with a buddy.  That failed.  

I've tried Weight Watchers.  I failed that that too.

I've tried Atkins.  I wanted to either jump off a ledge..or push the person nearest to me.

I've tried portion control.  I'm weak.

I've tried pushing myself to make others proud.  I don't seem to care anymore.

My doctor told me I would be healthier if I lost weight.   I haven't been back to the dr. in 3 years.

I've even seriously imagined the whole anorexia/bulimia thing.   I love food too much.

I don't know how people psych themselves up to DO IT.  I avoid being in pictures at ALL costs.  I used to keep a picture of me on the fridge... that didn't even help.  I need Billy Blanks in my face - screaming at me.  I need Richard Simmons to hug me and tell me it will be alright.  I HAVE support.  I have wonderful friends that get excited with me when I brag about a loss.  They support me when I have a gain.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  Maybe I'm just lazy...and there truly is no other reason.

I really wish I knew so I could fix it.