crap. random crap.

i am fine.

at least that's what i tell everyone.  

i'm okay.

the other day i had such an awful nightmare about my mom dying all over again.  it was the worst dream i can ever remember experiencing.  i fought to wake up... once i finally did it was as if i was in the middle of a panic attack.  it was awful.  since then, i'm afraid to even go to sleep.  it doesn't matter the time considering this horrible experience happened during an afternoon nap.

today, i pick up the death certificates.  it appears that i need a certified copy for everything.  ugh.

this weekend i have to work more on clearing out her room.  it was hard enough just being in there to throw out garbage.  we now have to sort through her things.. books, clothes, music..knickknacks & that won't be fun.

thankfully, we are going to be able to donate her bed, air mattress, and hospital tray to a person that will offer them to anyone that may need them. 

i think about her all the time.  i think about how we should have done things differently.  i have more than 1 regret about how everything went down.

i know that it doesn't do me any good... but it doesn't matter 'cuz it's how i feel. 

but, i'm fine.... i'm always fine.