life.

sometimes you say things things that you have every intention of doing and then you realize you haven't accomplished what you once thought you would and have to come out to everyone and say.. Ooops!

i know i said i was back to blogging and obviously that hasn't happened.  instead, i have caught up on all of my DVR'd most favorite trashy reality TV shows.  instead, i decided napping was more important even though getting up and going for a photo walk is something that i know will make me happy.  instead, i've been doing entirely too much retail therapy.  instead, i'm finding myself spending more time online than i want - yet not blogging.   i haven't picked up my camera and when i randomly snap a picture with my phone i never think to upload it here. 

i'm having a really rough time dealing with the fact that easter is approaching.  easter, last year, was really the last day i had a coherent momma.  easter, last year, i convinced my momma she needed to go to the emergency room because it was obvious she was developing an UTI and needed some strong antibiotics.  i have so many regrets and what if's that surround easter of last year.  it's those memories and ideas that have been flooding my mind and i hate it.

i "got through" the first mother's day, birthdays, halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, and new years.  i suppose this is the last of the "firsts" and it really may be the toughest day of the year for me.  we have yet to watch jesus christ superstar.  it was a tradition that she had - to watch it daily during lent and almost non stop on good friday.  she and the demon would watch it constantly.  he has started asking to watch it and just the thought makes me teary.

last night he came back inside after letting the dog out to do his business (ie. eat poop) and mentioned seeing a bright star.   "Guess who it was?"  he asked me.. i knew where this was going so i tried to make light of the situation.  "Mufasa!!??  Did you see The Lion King!!??"   "Pizzaaaa tiiiimeee??!"  

i could see he was getting a little irritated with me so i finally said... "granma?"  he said "yeah, i told her good night and i love her."  

i think easter is finally getting to him as well.

so, we'll watch jesus christ superstar this weekend and the inside of my cheek is sure to be bitten raw as i hold it together.  as much as the freakin' movie has annoyed me my whole life (seriously, by the age of 10 i knew every word to every song)  it's one tradtion that i will happily continue.  i think i'll do a trial run before sitting and watching it with the demon for the first time since last easter.  

probably, that's a good idea.