it's late.

it's about 2:00 am on saturday morning.  i ended up falling asleep earlier and just woke up in a panic thinking it was a work day.  don't you hate that?  then, just realized i hadn't blogged all week!  i'm also not doing as well with my project 365 as i wanted.  maybe i'll use this demon free weekend to get caught up on my blog.  maybe i'll just use it to catch up on my sleep.

it's been over 9 months since i lost momma.  recently, i've been having awful flashbacks to those 2 weeks - the time period from when i talked her into going to the ER and her passing.  i just can't shake the "should've, could've, would've" moments.  i can't grasp the "why's, and how's" over how everything went down.

how is it fair that, the person that was there for her more than anyone else never got one lucid moment with her over the last 2 weeks of her life.  not one chance to talk to her like we had talked to each other every single day of my life.. i know i wasn't the only one that dealt with the confused, angry, out of it mom - so did my brother.  but we both have very different memories from those 2 weeks.  i am blessed that i wasn't with her when the doctor's told her about the diagnosis and she had to be sedated.. i can't imagine that memory being thrown into my head along with everything else i have been dealing with...

i lay in bed almost every night and think... and cry.  i honestly think i'm getting sadder each day instead of happier.  the awful memories of the hospital and hospice flood my mind during the most odd times.  yesterday, as i was brushing my teeth, i was overcome with the sadness i felt of my first visit with her at hospice - the despair that was conveyed in her facial expressions.  then, later that afternoon, i check the mail and it's another freaking letter from them.  i need to call and get taken off their mailing list...  i'm sure hospice has done so much good for so many families, but, getting a reminder letter every so often is not what this family needs or wants.

there's no real reason for this post other than taking this time to get my thoughts out in writing. 

hopefully, this blog will get back to it's regular scheduled programming very soon.