It's strange...

I know that I said that I would probably not be updating the blog as much as I had been because of being so sad about the situation with the Demon.  But, I think, I have updated every day since.

I made the commitment a little while ago to set aside 10 minutes a day to blog.   I've been religiously posting since my promise to myself.  Since the Demon had his setback I've been down, emotionally.  However, I feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't post here?

Silly. 

It's not like anyone sits at their computer each day just awaiting my blog to be announced on Facebook or Twitter.  I mean, sure, I would hope that people enjoy it.. but I know there is a lot more interesting things to do on a Saturday or Sunday than to run to your computer and check in on Raising Kane.  No one is going to be upset if I do not blog ever again  for a day or two.  To be honest, the weekends I usually cheat get creative.  I will compose a few blog entries that I schedule to post on the days I know I will be busy.  Doing that is nothing new to the blogging world (in fact, I think I learned that trick from another blog?),  but to me still feels like cheating.

I think that maintaining the consistency here has helped me cope with the problems in my real life.  I can come here and pretend to be happy!

I'm sure I will start to believe it soon.

The Haunt

Pretending to be skeletons.

"It's the most wonderful time of the year"  Halloween!!!!  I am hoping to take the boys to Kings Island at some point in the near future.  Will we get to stay for the Haunt?  Doubtful.  The Demon is back to going 8 times a day...and getting up 4 times during the night.  I think he will be too stressed out to handle the Haunt.  But, I do hope to get them there for Howl-O-Fest and attack the rides one last time before the park closes for the year.  These pictures are all from 2008!  I must have forgotten my camera last year.

 

My favorite part of going to KI during this time is all of the displays they have around the park.  These pictures just show a very small portion of what they have.  These, more graphic displays, are in the main park.  In the kiddie area, it's much more tame.  They have cardboard cut outs to pose behind for pictures, mazes, areas for crafts, and a small pumpkin patch to pick out the perfect one to decorate.  I regret not taking the boys when they were younger.  They would have loved Howl-O-Fest.  I highly recommend taking kiddies there, it's a lot of fun and very family friendly.  Although, be sure to be heading for the parking lot before The Haunt starts!

Cross your fingers that the Demon is able to go and we all have a great time!

Embrace the trashiness.

This is my window going up the steps to the second floor.  I know what you're thinking.  "Geez ! Why in the hell do you have a towel hanging as your curtain?  How trashy is that!?"  This is a last resort type of move.  The reaction of a crazy person.

I little over a year ago my good friend gave us 2 kittens.  In the beginning, we kept them locked up in my Momma's room.  They would play like maniacs until all hours of the night... loudly!  Some months ago, we finally started to let them run the whole house overnight.  At first it was madness.  They would take off running from the second floor, down the steps, through the living room, dining room, back up the steps and start all over.  And when I say "run down the steps" I really mean fall down the steps.  Each time they race down the steps it wakes me up.  I never realized how lightly I sleep until these kitties were set free.

On top of that ruckus, Mao loves to attack shadows.  This brings me to the towel.  Every night morning, ie. 2:00 am, Mao starts to attack the wall opposite of the window.  With each car that drives down the street, Mao paws at the wall trying to kill the shadows.   Each swipe at the wall wakes me up!! I was at my wits end!!  Hence, ripping the curtain down (like a crazy person) and forcing that stupid towel in its place.

I need some suggestions on where to find dark curtains that would fit that type of window?  Any ideas?  It has a curtain rail on the top and bottom.  It's an odd sized window.  I'm SO not crafty but I'm afraid that the only choice I have is to make something to replace the towel.  

Either that, or buy a brown towel.. to at least match the walls.  :) 

"Are you dieting?"

That's the question I was asked last Friday by my Grannie.  Here is the rest of the conversation...

Me:  "Nope."
Grannie:  "Well, are you trying to lose weight?"
Me:  "I'm not trying to gain weight."
Grannie:  "Are you exercising?"
Me:  "Nope."
Grannie:  "I wish you'd try to lose weight."
Me:  "I wish you'd stop bringing over chocolates, cakes, muffins, brownies, cupcakes...."
Grannie:  "Oh.  Okay."

So, later in the day... we're grocery shopping.  The Demon wants a stupid stress ball thing.  Total waste of money.  I said "NO, it's junk."  He asks Grannie.  Here is the conversation...

The Demon:  "Can I have this!?"
Grannie:  "Why do you need it?"
The Demon:  "Because I want it, I'm stressed"
Grannie:  "I'll make you a deal, if you watch what you eat all week I'll get it for you."


(minutes later he comes walking down the aisle with her holding a honey bun)


"Look, Grannie is getting me a honey bun."

SERIOUSLY?  She is maddening.

Too proud or just too stubborn?

(a very stubborn Demon)

Hmm.. or maybe it's just being hard headed?  Or are all three describing the same thing?  I've had a rough couple years.  Well okay, not really me but my family as a whole.  Throughout this time I've had so many amazing people offer to help.  From offering to bring us meals to just offering to sit with me at the hospital.  I've had offers to go grocery shopping for me and offers to pick up the Demon from school.  It's been unbelievable.  Most recently, I've even been offered monetary help.  With all of the offers, I've never accepted any of them.  I know I would feel like a total failure as a mother, daughter.. just person - if I were to accept any help.

Why?

Why is it that I won't ask for or accept help?

Almost daily, I yell at my Grannie because she refuses to ask for help and just does what she wants to do.  The difference between her and I is that I do realize what I can and can't do, physically.  But emotionally, I rarely go to anyone for help.  Sure, I vent here.. on Facebook... on a local moms site that I frequent...but in the real world I keep everything to myself.

Does it have something to do with being a mom?  Are moms more likely to just do and do and do and not think to ask for help?  Maybe it's more common with single moms?  I've based my whole "persona" on being a bad ass, tough, strong chic.  In my head accepting help means I'm weak.

Maybe I need to admit that (at times) I am weak.

Only 35 days...

...until Halloween!

(2005)

Such personality.

These are old pictures, from an even older camera.  

Sorry for the quality, but it truly shows off his personality.

♥

Nightmares! We all got 'em.

Picture it... (In my best Sophia Petrillo voice) 1989.  It was a normal 6th grade day...a day like every other day.  It was gym class and the students were playing hockey.  Not hockey with the safe plastic hockey sticks with plastic puck.. but hard wooden sticks and puck.  Suddenly an unsuspecting little girl goes to steal the puck from behind another student.  The next thing that little girl remembers is gripping her mouth and screaming and crying.  She is feeling around her mouth with her tongue and quickly she realizes that she has only halves of her two front teeth.  The teacher grabs her, her bits of teeth, and rushes her to the office...   21 years, many horrible bonding experiences, two root canals, and 4 crowns later that same girl still suffers from serious teeth nightmares!

Now, when I say nightmares, try to envision looking in a mirror and your teeth just crumbling into your hands.  Or maybe you are looking in a mirror and your teeth seem to be flapping in your reflection..and you reach up and just start pulling out all of your teeth, one by one.  It truly is a scary dream.  I wake up and feel my heart racing and I start to, literally, feel my teeth with both my tongue and fingers.  There have also been times when, the next morning, I look closely in the mirror to check to see if my teeth really are loose!?  Usually, I then let out a huge sigh of relief.

Could the nightmares really all be coming from that awful, horrifying experience all those years ago?  Could they have continued over the years because I actually decided to major and become a dental hygienist?  Many years of studying teeth, oral health, and actually working on patients could be causing the dreams? Maybe, but I haven't worked in a dental office in close to 6 years, and the dreams continue.

Could they really not have to do with teeth at all?

Because I've had these types of dreams for so long I decided to do a little research.  According to this link (which completely describes my dreams) it could mean that I have serious anxieties about my appearance.  No kidding?!  I hate being fat... but I haven't always been fat and these dreams have occurred even during my skinny days.  

An anxiety about growing old?  Dying?  Maybe.

I did read further and I think maybe this is it!  One of the explanations talks about feeling powerless.  Maybe I should begin to keep a record of when I have these dreams.  There are many situations in my life where I am completely powerless; from the Demon and his illness... to my mom and her MS..and even with the most recent problems with my brother.  After yesterday, I truly believe that this is my issue.I  Especially considering I had a freak out tooth nightmare last night.  If you choose to read the link you'll see more explanations.  I wonder if those reading, that know me, see another explanation that may really fit me better?

Whatever the reason.. these dreams nightmares  f r e a k  me out!

*Also.. I wanted to add I may not be blogging as regularly in the days ahead.  I have so much going on and when I choose to sit down and type it out I get very sad.  I may post random pictures daily.. but I need to get my emotions in check before I can get back to normal around here.  I don't want this blog to be gloom and doom every day.*

 ♥

Really. I'm not a cryer.

It was 6th grade before anyone in my school ever saw me upset enough to cry.  

I don't remember many movies that would make me cry growing up.  Beaches? 

When I had the Demon (at 28 weeks) I cried only once.  I had been home just one day and received a phone call saying he was being rushed to Children's Hospital for emergency surgery.  I remember jumping into the shower (I couldn't drive and had to wait for his dad to rush home) and just breaking down in the shower.  After that, I just knew in my heart that he would be okay.  I didn't worry.

Since then, I've been a little more emotional.  Seeing ittie bittie babies on machines, watching certain shows, even certain news stories may upset me.  But, I've never been the type to cry.

This morning... I cried.

The Demon's symptoms seem to be returning.  We began tapering the Prednisone last Thursday.  Tomorrow he is scheduled to taper another 5mg.  Yesterday he had 5 trips to the bathroom.  Five.   As of 8:40 am this morning, he's gone three times.   Today is going to be at least five trips by the time he is ready for bed.  I just broke down by myself when I heard that toilet flush for the 3rd time.

Lame, huh?

I wish I knew what to do.  I wish the decision, regarding the next steps of his treatment, was clear.  I wish someone could just say...

"Do the Remicade and he'll be fine."  

or 

"He'll be so much happier after you remove his colon.  It's safe and everything will work out for the best!"

Since his diagnosis, I've never had that gut feeling that he's going to be okay.  It's so different when I compare it to when he was a baby going through all of his health issues.  It scares me that I don't have the gut feeling.

Terrifies me.

Strange or Sweet?

Most everyone that reads this is well aware of the issues the Demon has..medically.  When his last flare up started I needed a way to keep track of how many times he went to the bathroom.  We tried a notepad but he would always forget to mark down on the paper.  One time, while we were at the grocery store, I realized a dry erase board would be the best option.  I used the handy 3M picture hangers and attached the dry erase board on the tile wall right next to the toilet.  This is one of the best ideas I've had in a long time (sad, huh?).

Anyways... not only does the Demon keep more accurate records this way.. but we also write little notes to each other.  As I'm typing this, I'm realizing how strange it may be coming across.  Writing notes to each other on a bathroom wall?  But it's been great.

Saturday night into Sunday I was sick.  Probably the combination of the hot day at the RenFest and then a yucky salad I had for dinner was the perfect recipe for an intestinal disaster.   The boys let me sleep in but when I did get up I went to the bathroom (TMI?) and had the following note to reply to.

What is the verdict?  Strange or Sweet?

Whatever you may think, it's been great for us to leave little messages back and forth to each other.  I  highly recommend it!  (and yes, it's wiped down regularly with disinfecting wipes :) for all you germaphobes)

Next time.. a heads up please!!

Now that I've somewhat recovered from the festival I want to throw out a request.   I sure wish someone would have informed me of the ginormous bridge I was going to be driving over on the way out to Harveysburg.

One of my biggest fears is bridges.  I do all I can to avoid going over to Kentucky to not drive over the Ohio River.  Driving over water is one thing.  What I drove over yesterday can only be described (in my eyes anyway) as driving over a wooded grand canyon. As I saw the bridge ahead of me, driving up 71N, I could immediately feel my stomach sink.  My heart began to beat in my throat.

I said "Whoa.. I didn't realize we'd be going over a bridge!?"

That should  have been my sign to quickly pull off the side of the road and let my brother drive.  But..on I went.

I shielded my left eye.  Bad move.  What I should have done was shield my right eye close both eyes. and let God lead the way.  Because, even though I could not see the tree tops to the left, I did see them to the right, along with the long road ahead of me until we hit the normal highway. I also saw my brother scanning the massive hole as I was driving across.  He thought he was funny to taunt me, and then the boys joined in the fun.  They were all ooooo'ing and ahhhhhhh'ing as we drove over the bridge.

  (it's all fun and games until a 32 year old female drives her family through the guard rail to their deaths!)

I don't know what I did from the point of hitting the bridge.  I envisioned my speed slowing down from 75mph to a crawling 45mph.  I'm positive my blood pressure crept up 10-15 points.  My pulse was pounding so strongly in my neck that I could feel it thumping up to my eyes.  I was "white knuckling" the steering wheel.  It then took about 5 or so miles for my whole body to relax and to unclench the steering wheel and return to our regular scheduled programming - the rest of our drive.

The whole situation was relived on the drive back.  Just typing this out I feel anxiety!  

Note to self:  Next year my brother drives.

RenFest 2010!

Warning:  This is going to be a super long post including many pictures.

What a great day!! As we were leaving The Beast said "This was a really good day!"  Later he also said, as we were looking through all the picture I took, that  "We should go to this festival once a year!".  I am so thankful they enjoyed themselves.  It was very warm though.. HOT.  (yes I am sunburnt)  The Demon was not in the best of moods throughout the day.  But he survived.

 The Beast as we arrived.

The Demon as we arrived.

The first thing we did was head to look for swords for the boys.  After we found ones they  each liked, and they also picked out shields we were off to find something to do.  We then stumbled on to the dragon swing.

After they rode this, we were all getting hungry so off to find the turkey legs!!

Of course, the Demon did NOT like the turkey leg.  In fact, none of us were really too fond of them.  Since The Demon threw away his leg, he went with ole reliable....

 

(chicken tenders & fries)

After the boys ate they decided to test their strength.

Then it was a mad rush to the fire juggler!

This was a great show.  He was very funny and put on a fantastic show.  He juggled glass balls, knives, fire, and finally swallowed a sword!  After his show we then had to rush to the Joust.  THIS is what I had waited for all day.  As we waited for the Joust to begin (and we did wait.. 30 mins.. in direct sunlight.. ahhhhhhh) the boys posed with their swords and shields.

Attempting to look mean!

Well, the shirt adds to the freak out factor.

Then the Joust begins!

After the Joust we walked around some more and bought some souvenirs then we left for home.  The only thing that we didn't do, that I wanted to do, was watch the Mudde Show.  But, no regrets!

It was a wonderful, fantastical day!

I am...

a mom.

a daughter.

a friend.

loyal.

loving.

pessimistic.

happy.

obsessed about my hair.

a reality show freak.

often very lazy.

controlling.

loved.

thankful.

Making huge strides!

We're have big plans this weekend!  We as in... my brother, the Beast, the Demon and me!  This is a huge step for us.  I really hope this is the beginning of putting everything in the past and moving forward.

There WILL be pictures.  Pictures of jousts, sword fighting, costumes from that period in time, and of course, many...many pictures of the boys.  I haven't been to the RenFest in years!  The Demon was still in a stroller the last time we went, if that gives you any idea of how long it's been.  I hope they do not think they are too cool old for the festival.  

On top of going to the RenFest, I hope to squeeze another Zoo trip into this weekend.  

I know there are great times ahead!

How do I stop them...

from growing up!?  I want them to stay small forever.  The last time we went to the zoo we visited the Children's section.  They are getting too big old to really enjoy this area, but it's newly remodeled and we wanted to check it out.  They have a brand new play area.  We were there early and there weren't many little ones running around so they took full advantage of the time they had to play there.

First they hit the monkey bars.  

Finally, a set of monkey bars that was not too small for the Beast to enjoy!  The Demon always seems to have trouble crossing the bars.  But he's cute, so I'll excuse it.

Next, it was on to the turtle shells!

These are great.  Every time we go to this area of the zoo I try to remember to get this shot.  I regret not making an effort to bring them to the shells each visit to get a yearly "Turtle Shell Shot".  It would be fun to compare them throughout the years.

And of course, we can't go into a Children's Zoo without petting the animals.

What I noticed, after we were finished petting the animals, was the hand washing station.  Hmm.   I think we were the only group that just walked out...not washing our hands.  People were rushing their little ones over to the soap and water.  Breaking out the antibacterial sprays, lotions and solutions.  We just kept walking... enjoying the trip.  Are we really the only people left in the world that isn't freak out by a little animal germs?  

(Growing up, my mom worked at Kings Island, in their Wild Animal Habitat.  She came home everyday smelling exactly like the Elephant House at the Zoo.  To us, it was a sweet scent.  Mom was home!  Even now, walking into the animal houses at the Zoo brings a smile to my face.  Great memories.  We were never germ freaks.  I held baby lions, monkeys, birds.. and just never thought to run and wash my hands.)

After looking back at the pictures from the day, I really wish someone would figure out how to freeze time.

They are old enough.

Bored...

I am bored with this blog layout, but I put so much time into getting this crap together I'm not wanting to redo it!  What is wrong with me?  Why can't I just be happy with how this looks?  Why do I want to change it?   I follow quite a few other blogs, and they do not change their layout every other week month.  

Why can't I use the same purse for more than 2 weeks without changing?  I'm a member of a moms forum that uses pictures (avatars) next to our names.  Why am I constantly changing my picture?  Sometimes more than once a day, I will change the picture.  I used to chat on MSN, I would (daily) change my name.

WHY?

I'm just never satisfied.  

It's amazing I've kept the same color hair for as long as I have.. probably if I had the money it would change just as often as my purse.  Maybe that is why I change the little things in my life.  They are free to change...

Yeah, I think this blog needs a makeover.   Stay tuned.

But... for now, I'm just too tired.  8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours is just.not.enough.

OCHOCINCOS!

WHODEY!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, okay.. I know we lost.  And we lost big.  BUT I can't help but be excited about this season of football.  I've never claimed to be optimistic, in fact, I'm a self proclaimed pessimist.   However, I am GEEKED (yes I said geeked) about the Bengals!!

Chad Johnson Ochocinco has his own cereal.  Of COURSE we had to buy it!!  Actually, I had no intention of getting it, because I am not a fan of Cheerio's.  But... this past grocery trip my Grannie offered to get it for me the Demon.  She takes the cereal... we get the box. I told her to open it from the bottom so I could seal it back, closed.  :)

Yeah, yeah.. we're lame.. BUT WE HAVE FUN!!!  :)

No Regrets.

I don't have many regrets in my life, but one is that I didn't decide to blog sooner in life.  I would love to have a written account of  all things Demon when he was young.  As an infant in the hospital, dealing with health issues, first steps, milestones.  Yeah yeah, the perfect parent remembers the exact date of their childs first step or the very moment in time that their child had their first bite of solid food.  

I'm not that parent.  I've never been that parent.

This blog has been a wonderful venue for me to vent and write out my concerns about the Demon and his Ulcerative Colitis.  My hope is, that his current flare is soon to be over and, I'll be able to look back on this blog for points of reference when a future flare may occur.  Odds are, probably I am the only one that continues to read once the topic of Ulcerative Colitis appears in a blog entry.  lol

We went to his doctor this past Thursday (9/9).  Verdict - we begin to taper his steroid in a week by 5mg.  And then down by 5mg each week afterward.  As long as he continues to improve we continue with the regimen that he is on currently.  Should he start to go more frequently as we taper (and honestly, I think this is what is going to happen)... we have to start thinking more about the Remicade vs surgical treatment.  I am so fortunate to know people with pharmaceutical knowledge.  I also have a few friends that have been, unfortunately, diagnosed with Crohn's Disease.  They, too, have been a huge support system.

On the plus side, even throughout all of his problems he is doing incredible in school!  I am so proud of him to be able to rise about this illness and not let it slow him down.  He amazes me more every day.

Such Fun with Swings.

After the time spent at the Castle we decided to stop at a small park we passed on our way.  Now, when I saw small park, I do mean small park.  There were a few swings and a slide.

The boys were too big for the slide.

 But, they did have a great time seeing who could get the highest.

(or the Beast looks like he's falling off?)

Up...up... up!

Opposite ends.

Such the helper.

Uncontrollable laughter.

More, more, more!

I am very thankful for these days.

I am blessed.

9/11

I'm sure everyone can remember exactly what they were doing...where they were... on 9/11/2001.

I've tried to find the words for this post for about 20 minutes now.  I type and delete..and type and delete. 

For the past few years, since the Demon has been old enough to try to understand what happened that day, we've watched the program "9/11 As It Happened".  It's live footage from the day.

It's so important, to me, that he never forgets what happened.

Today, my thoughts and prayers are with the families of those that were killed that day, with each person putting their lives on the line each day overseas, with their families waiting for their safe return, and with each family that has lost a love one during this "war on terrorism"...

Never forget.

Mumford and Sons - Little Lion Man

Not necessarily my kind of music, but when I saw them on MTV I fell in love! I then searched more of their songs, and I really like them a lot. This will be my next cd purchase.

Seriously, look them up!

There is Hope.

Words were spoken.

There were jokes.  

There was laughter.

In the days that have followed there have been texts.

There have been messages.

And more laughter.

I'd say...the pool covering went well. 

:)

More Fun with Picnik!

these bees were 100 times more aggressive than the zoo bees.

seriously, I think you can see the eyes!

we were trying to figure out how to correctly use the sundial.

I am in love with this editing program.  I like to use the "extra large" pictures to show such detail.  Are these too big for the blog?  Give me your opinions please.

All of these pictures were taken during our Castle outing.  I think the boys are finally getting super tired of me stopping and taking tons of pictures.  I'm sure we can come to an agreement.  I won't take so many pictures of them, if they are patient with me taking many pictures of scenery?

At least that is the deal I'll offer them.

I'm tired.

No seriously.

I mean exhausted.

I can never fall asleep at night at a reasonable hour.  I am usually up until 1-2am during the week, and the weekend is even worse.  It could be close to 4 am before I am falling asleep.  On Saturdays and Sundays I could sleep all day long.  During the week, I'm up at 6:00 am.  I am dead.  I will hit the snooze once.  If I am totally out of it and hit the snooze more than once my whole morning is thrown off and I'm running around like a crazy lady.  Even worse is if, during my haze of exhaustion, I accidentally turn the alarm off completely.

Why!?  Why am I so tired?  I can understand not being able to fall asleep if I come home and nap.  And I do nap quite often.  Yesterday, no nap.  Yesterday, I didn't fall asleep until 1:30 am!  I've tried melatonin, Benadryl, sleeping pills, and any and all PM type pills.  Eventually I fall asleep.  The problem is, after taking these pills, it's even harder waking up so early.

I sit here wasting time at work and I am only staying awake...right now... due to typing this blog.  I wish that I liked wine or warm tea.  Maybe that would knock me out relax me enough to fall asleep. Unfortunately, I also do not drink coffee.  I am dead ass tired, and THEN can't figure out what to do to stay awake!?

Any suggestions on 1- how to fall asleep, and 2- how to perk myself up when I'm so tired??

I'm a desperate woman walking on the edge of sanity right now....

Trip to the Castle

Sunday we did get to the Loveland Castle.  As a kid, I remember going and being amazed at the size.  Amazed that just one man built the castle, all by hand.  I hoped knew the boys would really like it.  We got there and immediately we were impressed.  Not with the Castle (although they were), but there was a red airplane flying overhead.  The boys pointed out it was doing flips and barrel rolls in the air!  I tried to get a picture..but this is the best I could get.  The boys kept insisting that it was not real; that it was a remote control.  Thankfully, the guy working at the castle set them straight.

I thought using giant photos would show the best detail.  Enjoy!

Then it was time to move onto the castle.

they were a little unsure about the Dungeon.

 they took the steps nice and slow.

peeking out the spy hole.

posing with their new friends.

the view from one of the balconies.

 relaxing.

all smiles.

not to sure about who (or what) is in there?

LOL!  freaky.

beautiful.

posing one last time.

All in all it was a great trip.  I remember there being more to see, as a kid.  I don't know if it's because I'm grown?  but I just remember there being more rooms, more balconies open to the public..just more.  But, it was something new for the boys to experience.  Maybe when they have children of their own, they will share the history of the Loveland Castle with them as well.

One of the best parts of the day?  No bathroom stops for the Demon while we were out.  Maybe it was the Imodium that I gave him before we left.. whatever the reason, I'm thankful for a wonderful time spent with both boys.